Independence Day.. ya rite!!

Ouch..I have been beaten black and blue. I was trying to board the plane to Shimla to attend a conference dealing with a topic that is very close to every married man. It was a conference on the harassment that men face from their wives.

The conference would unite married men who are constantly harassed by their wives (who isn't?). Over one thousand men like me would attend to discuss about protection of husbands on issues like dowry and domestic violence.

Dowry: Personally, I believe every man should be entitled to a good gaming console so that the husband does not irritate the wife when he's free. And this console would even be handy once the kids grow up. So, I propose that a gaming console with extra controllers and a bunch of games be made an essential, a fundamental right of a husband for the mental well being of the wife.If the husband forces his in-laws to give him the console, it should not be seen as demanding dowry.

Domestic Violence: After labouring with the household chores, most Indian women assume the form of a sumo wrestler, while the hardworking husband not only looses the hair on his scalp but also his appetite providing for the family. Now, I wanna know how can a 45kg man hurt a 100kg woman. In all probability, it's the man who would be hurt even if he tried to hurt the woman! So, the law needs to be amended and the husband should be provided relief against the evils of domestic violence.

Armed with this two-point agenda, I booked a ticket to Shimla secretly to demand for the independence of my brothers. But I could not escape the prying eyes of my detective wife. Now, I sit in front of this stupid computer beaten black and blue. I want protection against domestic violence. Somebody, please 'ghanti bajao.'

Hell, here she comes again.. ouch :'(

DNA Article: Harassed hubands to attend two-day meet in Shimla

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Trip to J&K - II

DAY 3 : OF CABLE CARS, SNOW, SLEDS, MAGGI & KAHWA

The ADC to the Major-General had chalked our trip to Gulmarg. The drive from Srinagar to Gulmarg was really pleasant. We stopped over at Tangmarg and hired coats and gumboots.

Gulmarg is a hill-station at 8800ft that boasts of the highest and longest cable car ride in Asia.

Gulmarg is blessed with vast meadows of greenery and looks fabulous surrounded with a blanket of green. After a brief walk in the meadows, we took the Gondola cable car to Khelmarg in the Kongdoori Mountains.

The drizzle and cold weather made for the perfect setting for a bowl of hot Maggi noodles and Kahwa (Kashmiri tea). I didn't want to move further as I had found heaven at the refreshment stall but the wife and bro dragged me out and put me on a horse. We were heading to the snow bypassing the clouds.

The wife saw snow for the first time and could not control herself. The brother wanted to dive into the snow. I wanted my bowl of Maggi. Still want it :-) After sledding for a few hours and playing in the snow, all wet, we returned to Gulmarg hestitantly. The greenery at Gulmarg is captivating and I soon forgot about the sled. The thought of Maggi and Kahwa lingered though.

Khalid drove us back to our fortified home. At dinner, uncle M-G talked about terrorists, bombs and bullets but the wife couldn't think beyond snow. With sweet memories of Gulmarg, snow, kahwa and maggi, we called it a night.

Gulmarg Khelmarg

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Trip to J&K - I

Pissd will sound like a travelogue for the next few posts and i'll update it till i finish narrating my recent trip to Jammu & Kashmir. You might receive mails irritating you with the updates but if I really cared abt you, I would have never started blogging. Or for that matter even added you as a contact in my phonebook.

I jus got back from the most fabulous holiday ever. Okay, it wasn't a holiday but an experience. I didn't stay in fancy hotels or wake up at lunch, things many of you losers crave for on a holiday. The holiday was planned with military precision and my companions - da wife n bro hated me for never letting them sleep beyond 0700hrs. Ya, like I care!

It all began when my friend PS n I made a plan to experience Ladakh. Her dad is the king of Srinagar or is it Major-General. Don't know but both sound the same. Was forced to incorporate Srinagar in the plan else she would get my brain blown off. The idea of an AK-47 knocking my head off sounded exciting but then reality struck. I realised the brain would only spill out if you have one. Fearing that people would know my secret if I didn't obey PS, I incorporated Srinagar and Vaishnodevi also.

Here it goes:

DAY 1 : CHALO BULAWA AAYA HAI, MATA NE BULAYA HAI

Reached Jammu Tawi station two hours behind schedule. Thank god, the train was delayed by only two hours, cause it had been running late by nine hours regularly! Think it was divine intervention and we werent as late.

We got ready and took the 7minute chopper ride to Sanjichhat. Then a 2km walk to the Mata Vaishnodevi shrine. We had the privilege of priority darshan and then headed to Bhairon Ghati - another couple of kms. After a speedy darshan, we snail walked to Hotel Asia Vaishnodevi. The 5hr walk down the mountain took toll on the legs and by the time we reached Katra, we were hell pooped.

Our Kashmiri driver, Khalid, was waiting for us and wanted us to leave Katra immediately as he suspected trouble in a nearby area. Our friends in the Army didn't buy Khalid's shit and asked us to leave at 0300hrs and reach Srinagar by 1000hrs.

The legs were killing me. Got a foot massage and crashed for the day.

Helipad at Sanjichhat

DAY 2 : DESTINATION ARMY LAND

Left for Srinagar at 0300hrs. Wow, some holiday this is. Getting up at 3am to save our arse from getting kicked by some terrorists. No, not the ones sent by Pakistan but our indigenous bunch of moronic citizens.

Stopped over at Patnitop en route to Srinagar. Once we crossed the Jawahar Tunnel, Khalid's fear gave way and enthusiasm peaked. He was on his side of the tunnel - Kashmir. Passing by the Jhelum and millions of army trucks, we reached Srinagar. 

Now was the time for us to be scared. We entered the Major-General's Garrison and got to his residence. With so many uniformed dudes around, we felt caged in a hole. A really large hole at that. But after sometime, we got used to it and the Army guys looked no more than civilians. Met the M-G, and then rested for the day.

             Patnitop at 0500hrs

                                                                         Green Tunnel en route to Srinagar

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Am Back... I Think

Am back. Recession has taken a toll on my brain (yeah, I think I have one). No ideas to write on. Nothing's happening to complain about. Ya, life sucks! :-(

But a friend asked me to update Pissd. So, the phoenix shall rise yet again. Frankly, I dint even know anyone reads this tripe! Who would be so damn interested to read crap?

Talking about friends, recently I had a spat with a very dear friend,VSN, and unwillingly it has spilled for over two weeks now. He knows he's wrong but he's been accusing everything walking on two legs. Dude, apologise. I think as a punishment, I am gonna force him to read Pissd for a year. Wow, one more follower:-)

I haven't been able to meet friends more often since the last one year. It's not as if everyone's working their ass off to beat the recession but I don't know why plans don't ever materialise. The wife says that people are avoiding me since I started forcing them to read Pissd. How rude, you morons!

The only friend who asked me to update this nonsense lives in USA and knows that I can't bloody pester her to read it. Maybe that's why she asked me to update it. Smart bitch. Oops, there I loose one more friend.

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Marksheet Mayhem

Testing times are upon us. While the grown-ups are fighting the test against the recession, students are facing the most treaded time of the year - exam time. 

I fail to understand why parents presurize their kids to score good grades.  When I was in school my report card looked like a bloodbath. Red lines highlighted my disappointing performance in Hindi language. For a couple of terms, I took the mother for a ride by telling them that I had excelled in Hindi. They could not believe their ears and I could not believe the poor mother fell for it! She finally flipped the report card and read the key. All verbal communication stopped and thrashings began.

Why the fuss about getting grades? Even if you somehow manage to score well, the stupid reservation will get you. And anyways, most geniuses of our times are dropouts or were losers in the classroom. Take Sachin Tendulkar, Bill Gates, Paul Allen, Mukesh Ambani, Richard Branson, Albert Einstein and ofcourse your's truly. 

Some may disagree with the last name on the list but then genius is seldom recognised in its lifetime.

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Hell Hath No Fury…

Am back. The wife did not kill me for the pathetic gifts I gave her for her birthday because she was so damn busy taking people’s wishes over the phone. I have never thanked Alexander Graham Bell so much as much as I did on the wife’s birthday. Every time she attempted to open the gift I gave her, the phone rang, saving me the blushes and the curses. :-D

The birthday passed off smoothly and I survived to fight another day. Little did I realize that the ‘another day’ would be the next day. The wife caught my gaffe and gave me a earful when she saw her gifts at peace. Since then I have been avoiding her like the plague.

Just when things were returning back to normal, Women’s day hit me. I don’t understand the fuss & the relevance of this day. The last time I checked women got their way for 364days in a year. The one day that was left, they wanted to hurt the already flagging male ego so they rechristened it to Women’s day! Don't believe me, ask Manmohan Singh about his feelings for his Italian Madam. 

The wife thinks she deserves a gift simply because it’s Women’s day! I protested. I want a damn gift simply because there is no Man’s Day. I got a lecture and the ear still hurts. 

Curse Hallmark & Archies for promoting this totally worthless day. I demand a Man’s Day. Or if I am asking for too much, I demand a damn Man’s Hour. Oh hell, I demand an ENT, the ear hurts. Is the wife listening???

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HELP

Why is that one's special day becomes other's death bed? The wife turns a year older this coming Sunday and I am dreading every gone second. I haven't bought a damn gift for her. Oh hell, forget buying I bloody haven't even thought of the gift!

I don't really know what to get her. I have got to be the worst guy at gifting anyone for any occassion. I dated the wife for four years before we got married, and she should have known that. But NO, she expects me to get the world for her on this birthday itself! I wonder what will I get her next year then. Crap, I forgot, I have the entire list from this year's demand since I don't think I'll land up getting her anything.

I asked her in the morning what she wanted for her birthday. At first, she threw a fit. Then she realised being the pain that I am, I won't get her anything. She then rattled a list of things she wants and curse me, I didn't listen to her cause I was reading the newspaper! Is it my fault that she mistimes her verbal onslaught of THE list?

To cut the crap short, I need help. Someone please tell me what should I gift her? Please write your suggestions in the Comments section else mail me.

I remember the wife telling me that she wanted a surprise.Aint that funny! Think I'll surprise her by not wishing her. Haha... On second thoughts, I think she might surprise me by getting a restraining order barring me to come within 100metres of her.

Someone HELP. Everyone HELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

ps: Please remember we are moving from recession to depression, suggestions within Rs1000 preferably.

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