Breaking News

Have you had the misfortune of tuning into our desi news channels? Oops, wrong choice of words. Its more of entertainment and not a misfortune. Our news channels dish out so much of shit that they put to shame the crappy contents of my blog.

The day VHP workers blocked the Western Express Highway in Bombay, I tuned into Aaj Tak to get an update. "Hritik ab nahin nachenge (Hritik Roshan wont dance now)," this is what Aaj Tak was showing in Breaking News. Another news channel had an interview with Shah Rukh Khan. No mention of VHP's show of strength for the Amarnath situation!

Anyways, say what you want these channels work their arse out day and night to provide us entertaining stories such as, Mauth ki guffa, Beti bani dayan, Kariye swarg ke darshan, Khooni pedh ka rahasia, etc

Following are some TV grabs of Breaking News on different news channels. Enjoy!

This one's from Aaj Tak at 0737hrs on a Wednesday morning. The Breaking News reads, "राहुल ने दाल-पूडी और सब्ज़ी खाई" It refers to Rahul Gandhi's meal that comprised of Daal, Pooris and veggies. Some breaking news! Did he drink water?



Breaking News, "अमिताभ बच्चन को ठंड लगी"
Amitabh Bachchan's feeling cold!! The poor man doesn't make enough money, someone please buy him a blanket. And someone please donate a brain to the editor of this channel.


Monday morning 1005hrs, Aaj Tak's Breaking News, "छज्जे पर बिल्लो रानी" Here's one cat that made more news than Halle Berry and her inane movie, Cat Woman. A cat was perched on a ledge. After watching some idiotic humans trying to 'rescue' it for 6hrs, the cat jumped off the ledge. Someone please inform these morons that cats love to perch on heights and can easily survive jumping from considerable heights. Thanks to the India Today group for letting Aaj Tak be a free channel. No one would have paid for it anyway.

29 March 2008, 0902hrs Star News. Breaking News, "दिल्ली: कमीशनर का कुत्ता मिला" Four days after its disappearance, Delhi Commissioner's dog was found. And that became prime time national news! God bless the guy who found the doggy, now Commissionersaab can get back to doing some work. More over Paris Hilton & Raveena Tandon, Mr Commissioner is here.

That's not all. All hell broke loose when India TV reported that aliens have broken into our airspace in their UFO and are abducting our cows! Don't rub your eyes, you read it right. Yes, some aliens are abducting cows and India TV poses some real serious questions. Where do these cows disappear? Do the aliens drink our cows milk? Are cows from India on their hitlist?

Its not the content thats pissing off. Needless to say that it is super entertaining but the fact that appears on a damn news channel is pissing off. The wife tunes into all the so called entertainment channels and I miss out on these treasures of knowledge. If only I had a television of my own. If only wishes were horses...

Pictures contributed by Vineet Jain & Vikram SN

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Unsung Heroes

Last week Bombay bid adieu to its favourite god, Ganesh amidst great fervour and merriment. And top notch security. After the five bombs that ripped across Delhi on Sept 13, Bombay was put on high alert.

The cops in the city now had their full hands fuller. For the smooth visarjan of Lord Ganesh, Bombay’s administrators rope in the municipal corporation, the traffic police, police and other disaster management agencies. But this year the police not only had to supervise over 3 million devotees that put gather at the various immersion sites but also keep an eye on the terrorists.

The cops finally ended their duty for the day the next morning at 0830 hrs only after Lalbaugcha Raja completed its 22hr journey. No terror attacks, no molestations, no other crime incidents. Another successful day in the office for the cops.

I think our police force is the most ridiculed and looked-down-on agency. Yet it is one of the most efficient agencies. Cops accept bribes only because you offer it to them. They are only as corrupt as you make them. But they are efficient when it matters the most. How else can you explain a 1000 policemen overlooking the security of 1 million devotees that gather to bid farewell to just one Ganpati idol – the Lalbaugcha Raja.

It’s not as though I am in love with the police or am getting paid by the police department but I just wanted to bring to light a mammoth effort put in by these men that goes unnoticed everyday. Not giving them credit when it’s due, that’s what pisses me off.

Before I get to preachy on an already very boring website, I just want to sum up in the words of my friend, Ariz Chandra, from Aaj Tak news, “The police has to get it right every second of the day, whereas a terrorist has to get it right only once in his lifetime. Every second that an incident does not take place it’s a victory for the police.”

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Relief Funds – II

In continuance to my blog post on Sept 6 2008, I was appalled to read an article in the Times of India (Bombay edition) dated Sept 13, 2008.

It exposes how politicians have swallowed the aid meant for the farmers in Yavatmal, Maharashtra. The region has been plagued by numerous suicides by farmers as they could not repay the loans taken by them.

As an aid to the farmers, the government had set aside a fund whereby a farmer would only have to pay fifty percent of the cost of a cattle and the balance would be borne by the government. The purpose of the scheme was to help the distressed families to supplement their income as farming had become unviable in the unirrigated cotton growing belt.

Instead of reaching out to the lowly farmers, the scheme dug deeper and reached the lowest level of scum – Politicians. Here too MLA, ex-ministers and their relatives siphoned off the state’s funds and purchased the cows & buffaloes for themselves at 50% of the cost.

Despite the fact that this article had been published on the front page of Times of India, I can bet that that no action will ever be taken against those who have misused the scheme. On second thoughts, if WE could turn a blind eye to “India ignores info offer on black money” then we obviously can overlook such petty issues.

I am pissed because no one in my family briefed me about the correct path to earn money. The father still insists that I drag my sorry arse to the office and slog it out there only to come back without results. Oh, if only had he known the real art of making money is to become a politician. Alas.

Times of India article dated Sept 13,2008 "Netas Swallow Farmer's Aid

Ps: To highlight the matter TOI ran another article on Sept 24, 2008.
Times of India article dated Sept 24, 2008 "Cows Never Came Home"

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Relief Funds

The Kosi river has swelled and is venting its anger on the state of Bihar. According to UN, more than 3 million people have been displaced.Over the past two weeks every newspaper has advertisements of Prime Minister’s Relief Fund and Chief Ministers’ Relief Funds for the flood hit state of Bihar. Personally, I feel this is a scam and the full aid NEVER reaches the source.

Last year a newspaper carried a report of how the PM’s Relief Fund for the tsunami victims had been misused and never reached the needy in Tamil Nadu and Andaman & Nicobar Islands. I don’t say that the entire fund is pocketed by the babus and politicians managing these funds but a major chunk of it goes missing. I always felt that while the CM’s fund was easier to misappropriate, the PM’s fund would be more secure.

Well, I changed my stand after reading an article in Mumbai Mirror dated August 23, 2008. It reads, “PM’s promise reduces brave boy to labourer.” Thirteen year old Raipalli Vamsi, student of Class IX, received the National Bravery Award from the President on Republic Day this year. After the ceremony Vamsi unfortunately met the Turbanator, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who assured him of education in a school of Vamsi’s choice. Vamsi was to receive all help, financial and otherwise, as per the PM’s promise. Forget a better school, Raipalli had to quit his Zilla Parishad School on July 1 and is now a daily wage labourer earning Rs 30 per day! God bless the Turbanator for terminating a poor kid’s future.

Cut to the Relief Funds. These Funds accumulate a few 100 crore rupees very easily, isn’t the lure to siphon the Fund irresistible. When the Honorable PM could back track in little Vamsi’s case which involved a fraction of his fund, what assurance do we have that the Bihar Relief Fund would reach the flood hit population?

Why not give to an NGO? Or just hand it over to your Bihari servant, driver or watchman. Don’t trust the NGOs or Biharis? Give them a chance. The government has failed. Politicians are good-for-nothing-bastards, so why not hand over the relief materials to the Bihari who might just help his people.

Click for Mumbai Mirror's article 'PM’s promise reduces brave boy to labourer'

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Amar Akbar n Money

I gotta be the least religious guy around. Its not that I am an atheist, it’s just that I think its too much of a waste of time and energy unless you are in trouble. In short, I don’t trouble God until I am in trouble. I ain’t not proud about my views but isn’t it really convenient to blame all your shortcomings on some unknown supreme power?

If I ain’t a staunch follower why the hell am I posting this crap on Pissd. Well, the happenings in Jammu & Kashmir over the last month and a half have been very disturbing. Not that I had to cancel a holiday trip to Kashmir cause of the unrest in the state, but its something that needs urgent attention.

I think a little piece of land at Amarnath is going to widen the rift between the Hindus and the Muslims. Mind you, to the best of my knowledge, this rift is not created by us but by the biggest scumbags in society – Politicians.

Lot of Hindus question the stay on the transfer of land to the Shri Amarnathji Shrine Board for setting up temporary shelters for pilgrims. Their argument being that if 157,000 Muslims can get a subsidy to perform the Haj pilgrimage every year, why cant a little piece of land be transferred to the shrine board. I feel it’s a fair argument. They aren’t asking for a monetary favour. Its just a land that will be officially be used to set up temporary shelters for pilgrims. The BIG question is: Would such a problem arise if the land wasn’t given to the Board officially? Weren’t pilgrims making use of the area till last year? Now since they officially want to use it, that causes a problem!

Moreover, its just a temporary settlement which would disappear the moment the ice Shivling disappears. Doesn’t the arrangement provide employment to thousands of Muslims of J&K?

The agitations have cost the state of J&K 5000 crores already and the only loser in this melee is the common man. Bandhs have been imposed, many have been killed and the Union Home Minister says that a suitable solution would take a month. Well, Mr Dickhead who should bear the brunt of the unrest till then?

To me it’s a situation created entirely by the bastards known as politicians. Politicians belong to a race that would very happily throw their mothers to the frenzied mob to earn a quick buck. Well, this is just their motherland.

Ps: I repeat, I aint siding with any religion. I have put to word the ugly but very justified thoughts running in the minds of millions of Hindus. Let there be no more Ayodhas.

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Crappy Tales

Don’t blame me. Blogging is not a particularly profitable venture unless of course, you’re a Bachchan or a Khan. On second thoughts, you only make a profit when someone pays you. Well, Google Adsense program won’t contribute to my welfare fund for quite sometime simply because no one’s clicking on my ads. Watta piss off!

Quite frankly I don’t know what to write on. I do all my thinking in the toilet and that is one place that really pisses me off. Not that it’s a pretty site, but if you see me in the loo I can give Auguste Rodin’s Le Penseur (The Thinker) a run for his money. The only difference between us (discounting his chiseled body) is that The Thinker is pondering the hellish fate of those beneath him while I am worried about my bowel movement.

The toilet is a comforting place for a lot of people. But as far as I am concerned, the toilet is where most of the fights begin for me. Chill, I ain’t gonna bore you with my internal problems but it’s about women’s habit of leaving the toilet seat down. How is a man supposed to take a piss without dirtying the seat? Why the hell should I have to put up the seat to take a leak? Why can’t women simply do so after doing their bit?

We land up fighting everyday because of this shit. What infuriates me is the fact that officially the wife has made it clear that the toilet is my room, and still she refuses to follow my diktat there. It’s like living under the British Raj. You allow them to enter your space, they take over control, they allot you a piece of land to live but the rules remain theirs.

The history of toilets raises quite a stink. People in the Harappan civilization had water flushed toilets way back in 2500 BC! Wow!! I wonder who dug up so much shit to get to this data. The Italians have always been a merry bunch. Roman civilization had open air community toilets. Imagine bitching about everything in public while shitting.

The history of the toilet seat is unknown. Toilet seats never posed a problem in squat toilets. Simply cause squat toilets didn’t have any. Our ancestors never squabbled over the position of the toilet seat. The wife never got angry. The man never argued. And they made babies by the dozens. Cut to today. Man yells at wife for the seat. Wife is all worked up. Wife banishes the husband. No babies. Effective birth control.

Who would have known that the modern world uses toilet seats as birth control measure.?

Enough of this nonsense. Unless you guys wanna get bored with more shit please contribute to this blog.

Auguste Rodin’s Le Penseur

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Value Erosion

Sorry. I apologise to my three loyal readers – Me, Myself and Nobody Else – for not updating the blog in over a month. It’s not that nothing Pissd me off. In fact, there was a shit load to write about and I couldn’t decide what to start with.

Corruption
On May 21st, the front page of Times of India (Bombay edition) carried a very interesting article, “India ignores info offer on black money”

Germany has data on illegal funds stashed off in Liechtenstein’s LTG Bank. German intelligence agency, BND bought the data for €4.2million and is willing to give it to India for FREE since February! No govt official has taken the initiative to react to it.

The piss off is that Times of India has not bothered to follow up on the scoop. No other newspaper or channel has come forward to take on the politicians.

I asked my buddy, Varun (an unemployed lawyer) to take up the matter using the RTI Act and I was willing to bear the expenses. BUT that lazy lawyer hasn’t moved a muscle. So, I have reached the conclusion that it’s Varun who has an account there. Dude, atleast return the Rs 100 you borrowed.

College Admissions
SSC results were declared a few days ago. A staggering 86% of the students cleared the exams. Papers carried photos of students celebrating and distributing sweets. The idiots didn’t realize what was in store for them. Having to stand in serpentine queues outside colleges just to buy a form seems the University’s way of welcoming the students to their next level of education.

Why can’t the University put the admission forms of all colleges on its website for them to be downloaded? Charge the bloody application fees to the annual fee. If it’s not possible for the University to provide such a basic facility, the least it can do is to instruct the colleges to start selling the forms well in advance.

A website accepts online admissions but that too is facing teething problems and students and parents aint opting for it.

Nothing has changed in the last thirteen years. In 1995, I was one of the idiots in the queue. The world has moved on, India is a major IT superpower but the University of Mumbai believes in tradition. God bless them.

History Restored
We Indians have a deep desire to etch our name in history. Be it the beggar, a pauper like me or an Ambani we make it a point to leave a mark on every monument we visit. It’s instinctive. Not one of us can resist the lure of writing our names on the walls of our scared monuments. All of us have taken upon ourselves to unofficially ruin our monuments. STOP it right now coz this shit is getting legal coverage now. Huh!

Recently the govt of Maharashtra allotted Rs 7.5 crores for the restoration of four monumental forts. The work was commissioned to the Directorate of Archeology and Museums by the state ASI.

These forts are made of stone and limestone and date back to the 17th century. The mercenary bastards overseeing the work have actually used cement to plaster these forts! Now these structures look as pathetic as any other modern day building. To save costs and lessen their burden the contractors made no efforts to procure limestone or hire an expert to guide them.

The city is loosing its history; the custodians of our heritage are screwing it. Sewri and Bandra forts have bitten the dust, I guess Victoria Terminus is next.
RIP Bombay.

YouTube vdo:

Sewri fort: Maharashtra govt plaster heritage ugly

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