Happy Diwala

It's six bloody thirty in the morning on a holiday and I am on the pc! Am already Pissd having missed Russell Peters' show lastnight and some idiot won't let me sleep over it. The dude's in super diwali mood and has been bursting crackers since an hour. Ain't bursting crackers between 2200-0600hrs banned? Why don't the cops do their bit?

Makes me wonder whose so damn excited about Diwali this freaking year. Everyone's wealth has been eroded thanks to the stock market. Not even the Ambanis or the Mittals have escaped the rout; and Iceland has gone bust! The recession all over the globe has just begun and some rascal is wasting his precious money bursting crackers! Moron.

The wife's enjoying her sleep oblivious to evils of the world. Bless her, she doesn't know shit about the stock markets. I'm jealous. And broke... Happy(ya,rite!!) Diwali.

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Festive Blues

It's the most festive time of the year for us Indians all over the world. Diwali will be celebrated with much aplomb and gaiety. But personally for me it's the most irritating time of the year.

Imagine a wonderfully lazy Sunday morning when a man should just chill at home and do a man's thing - nothing. That's all a man wants. But how can a woman see a man relax. Come Diwali and the mother and wife yell in unison to clear all the mess I have made during the year. I think this ritual is far more important than the Laxmi Pooja. My two very precious sundays have been wasted cleaning and dusting all the cupboards and my belongings. What's with these maniacial women? Why can't they simply do it on their own?

Weight Woes
Since it's the festive season, quite understandably you get to gorge on all the crappy stuff to eat. I simply love the sweets and the Gujju farsans and can stuff it in day and night. But one nasty look from the wife and you know that you will have to burn off the extra calories. This bloody reminds me that my Gold's Gym membership card is gathering more cobwebs than the cupboards the wife made me clean.

My alibi during the monsoons was that it was impossible to walk to the gym is Bombay's unpredictable rains. Its been a month since the monsoons have left almost all parts of the country and I still haven't made an effort to get out of the bed. The wife pesters me everyday to hit the gym but a man with strong will never budges to the whims of a woman. Am waiting for the winters to make my next excuse. Till then please help me think of one.

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Mistimed Marriage

Two years! Two bloody years after my marriage, the government of Maharashtra rules that live-in relationships are as good as marriage. I hate these assholes that make the rules. What were they doing till now? Shoot these rascals.

Circa 2006, I convinced the girlfriend (now, wife) that a live-in relationship would be a much better option to marriage. The sweet girl she was then, she hesitantly agreed. Just as I was gonna break into my victory jig, she cut me short and reminded me that we live with our parents. Reality check... plans doomed :-(

Figthing deranged tigers is an easier task than to convince parents. So without even giving it a shot, I accepted defeat. I think it was a wise decision because I can imagine the reaction of marwari parents. The argument would have been sealed with the demise of the arguer.

Now, if the government would have made the rule a couple a years ago, I would have stood a lil chance to convince the parents on the grounds that it was a legal relationship. Why cant progress be timed correctly?

I now oppose this ruling because now I am a harried oops, married man. Why should my bachelor friends, running away from marriage, get this unfair advantage? Damn the rule. For once the wife agrees! Its the most memorable moment of my wedded life - she agrees! Wow, here comes the victory jig.

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Breaking News

Have you had the misfortune of tuning into our desi news channels? Oops, wrong choice of words. Its more of entertainment and not a misfortune. Our news channels dish out so much of shit that they put to shame the crappy contents of my blog.

The day VHP workers blocked the Western Express Highway in Bombay, I tuned into Aaj Tak to get an update. "Hritik ab nahin nachenge (Hritik Roshan wont dance now)," this is what Aaj Tak was showing in Breaking News. Another news channel had an interview with Shah Rukh Khan. No mention of VHP's show of strength for the Amarnath situation!

Anyways, say what you want these channels work their arse out day and night to provide us entertaining stories such as, Mauth ki guffa, Beti bani dayan, Kariye swarg ke darshan, Khooni pedh ka rahasia, etc

Following are some TV grabs of Breaking News on different news channels. Enjoy!

This one's from Aaj Tak at 0737hrs on a Wednesday morning. The Breaking News reads, "राहुल ने दाल-पूडी और सब्ज़ी खाई" It refers to Rahul Gandhi's meal that comprised of Daal, Pooris and veggies. Some breaking news! Did he drink water?



Breaking News, "अमिताभ बच्चन को ठंड लगी"
Amitabh Bachchan's feeling cold!! The poor man doesn't make enough money, someone please buy him a blanket. And someone please donate a brain to the editor of this channel.


Monday morning 1005hrs, Aaj Tak's Breaking News, "छज्जे पर बिल्लो रानी" Here's one cat that made more news than Halle Berry and her inane movie, Cat Woman. A cat was perched on a ledge. After watching some idiotic humans trying to 'rescue' it for 6hrs, the cat jumped off the ledge. Someone please inform these morons that cats love to perch on heights and can easily survive jumping from considerable heights. Thanks to the India Today group for letting Aaj Tak be a free channel. No one would have paid for it anyway.

29 March 2008, 0902hrs Star News. Breaking News, "दिल्ली: कमीशनर का कुत्ता मिला" Four days after its disappearance, Delhi Commissioner's dog was found. And that became prime time national news! God bless the guy who found the doggy, now Commissionersaab can get back to doing some work. More over Paris Hilton & Raveena Tandon, Mr Commissioner is here.

That's not all. All hell broke loose when India TV reported that aliens have broken into our airspace in their UFO and are abducting our cows! Don't rub your eyes, you read it right. Yes, some aliens are abducting cows and India TV poses some real serious questions. Where do these cows disappear? Do the aliens drink our cows milk? Are cows from India on their hitlist?

Its not the content thats pissing off. Needless to say that it is super entertaining but the fact that appears on a damn news channel is pissing off. The wife tunes into all the so called entertainment channels and I miss out on these treasures of knowledge. If only I had a television of my own. If only wishes were horses...

Pictures contributed by Vineet Jain & Vikram SN

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Unsung Heroes

Last week Bombay bid adieu to its favourite god, Ganesh amidst great fervour and merriment. And top notch security. After the five bombs that ripped across Delhi on Sept 13, Bombay was put on high alert.

The cops in the city now had their full hands fuller. For the smooth visarjan of Lord Ganesh, Bombay’s administrators rope in the municipal corporation, the traffic police, police and other disaster management agencies. But this year the police not only had to supervise over 3 million devotees that put gather at the various immersion sites but also keep an eye on the terrorists.

The cops finally ended their duty for the day the next morning at 0830 hrs only after Lalbaugcha Raja completed its 22hr journey. No terror attacks, no molestations, no other crime incidents. Another successful day in the office for the cops.

I think our police force is the most ridiculed and looked-down-on agency. Yet it is one of the most efficient agencies. Cops accept bribes only because you offer it to them. They are only as corrupt as you make them. But they are efficient when it matters the most. How else can you explain a 1000 policemen overlooking the security of 1 million devotees that gather to bid farewell to just one Ganpati idol – the Lalbaugcha Raja.

It’s not as though I am in love with the police or am getting paid by the police department but I just wanted to bring to light a mammoth effort put in by these men that goes unnoticed everyday. Not giving them credit when it’s due, that’s what pisses me off.

Before I get to preachy on an already very boring website, I just want to sum up in the words of my friend, Ariz Chandra, from Aaj Tak news, “The police has to get it right every second of the day, whereas a terrorist has to get it right only once in his lifetime. Every second that an incident does not take place it’s a victory for the police.”

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Relief Funds – II

In continuance to my blog post on Sept 6 2008, I was appalled to read an article in the Times of India (Bombay edition) dated Sept 13, 2008.

It exposes how politicians have swallowed the aid meant for the farmers in Yavatmal, Maharashtra. The region has been plagued by numerous suicides by farmers as they could not repay the loans taken by them.

As an aid to the farmers, the government had set aside a fund whereby a farmer would only have to pay fifty percent of the cost of a cattle and the balance would be borne by the government. The purpose of the scheme was to help the distressed families to supplement their income as farming had become unviable in the unirrigated cotton growing belt.

Instead of reaching out to the lowly farmers, the scheme dug deeper and reached the lowest level of scum – Politicians. Here too MLA, ex-ministers and their relatives siphoned off the state’s funds and purchased the cows & buffaloes for themselves at 50% of the cost.

Despite the fact that this article had been published on the front page of Times of India, I can bet that that no action will ever be taken against those who have misused the scheme. On second thoughts, if WE could turn a blind eye to “India ignores info offer on black money” then we obviously can overlook such petty issues.

I am pissed because no one in my family briefed me about the correct path to earn money. The father still insists that I drag my sorry arse to the office and slog it out there only to come back without results. Oh, if only had he known the real art of making money is to become a politician. Alas.

Times of India article dated Sept 13,2008 "Netas Swallow Farmer's Aid

Ps: To highlight the matter TOI ran another article on Sept 24, 2008.
Times of India article dated Sept 24, 2008 "Cows Never Came Home"

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Relief Funds

The Kosi river has swelled and is venting its anger on the state of Bihar. According to UN, more than 3 million people have been displaced.Over the past two weeks every newspaper has advertisements of Prime Minister’s Relief Fund and Chief Ministers’ Relief Funds for the flood hit state of Bihar. Personally, I feel this is a scam and the full aid NEVER reaches the source.

Last year a newspaper carried a report of how the PM’s Relief Fund for the tsunami victims had been misused and never reached the needy in Tamil Nadu and Andaman & Nicobar Islands. I don’t say that the entire fund is pocketed by the babus and politicians managing these funds but a major chunk of it goes missing. I always felt that while the CM’s fund was easier to misappropriate, the PM’s fund would be more secure.

Well, I changed my stand after reading an article in Mumbai Mirror dated August 23, 2008. It reads, “PM’s promise reduces brave boy to labourer.” Thirteen year old Raipalli Vamsi, student of Class IX, received the National Bravery Award from the President on Republic Day this year. After the ceremony Vamsi unfortunately met the Turbanator, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who assured him of education in a school of Vamsi’s choice. Vamsi was to receive all help, financial and otherwise, as per the PM’s promise. Forget a better school, Raipalli had to quit his Zilla Parishad School on July 1 and is now a daily wage labourer earning Rs 30 per day! God bless the Turbanator for terminating a poor kid’s future.

Cut to the Relief Funds. These Funds accumulate a few 100 crore rupees very easily, isn’t the lure to siphon the Fund irresistible. When the Honorable PM could back track in little Vamsi’s case which involved a fraction of his fund, what assurance do we have that the Bihar Relief Fund would reach the flood hit population?

Why not give to an NGO? Or just hand it over to your Bihari servant, driver or watchman. Don’t trust the NGOs or Biharis? Give them a chance. The government has failed. Politicians are good-for-nothing-bastards, so why not hand over the relief materials to the Bihari who might just help his people.

Click for Mumbai Mirror's article 'PM’s promise reduces brave boy to labourer'

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