Amar Akbar n Money

I gotta be the least religious guy around. Its not that I am an atheist, it’s just that I think its too much of a waste of time and energy unless you are in trouble. In short, I don’t trouble God until I am in trouble. I ain’t not proud about my views but isn’t it really convenient to blame all your shortcomings on some unknown supreme power?

If I ain’t a staunch follower why the hell am I posting this crap on Pissd. Well, the happenings in Jammu & Kashmir over the last month and a half have been very disturbing. Not that I had to cancel a holiday trip to Kashmir cause of the unrest in the state, but its something that needs urgent attention.

I think a little piece of land at Amarnath is going to widen the rift between the Hindus and the Muslims. Mind you, to the best of my knowledge, this rift is not created by us but by the biggest scumbags in society – Politicians.

Lot of Hindus question the stay on the transfer of land to the Shri Amarnathji Shrine Board for setting up temporary shelters for pilgrims. Their argument being that if 157,000 Muslims can get a subsidy to perform the Haj pilgrimage every year, why cant a little piece of land be transferred to the shrine board. I feel it’s a fair argument. They aren’t asking for a monetary favour. Its just a land that will be officially be used to set up temporary shelters for pilgrims. The BIG question is: Would such a problem arise if the land wasn’t given to the Board officially? Weren’t pilgrims making use of the area till last year? Now since they officially want to use it, that causes a problem!

Moreover, its just a temporary settlement which would disappear the moment the ice Shivling disappears. Doesn’t the arrangement provide employment to thousands of Muslims of J&K?

The agitations have cost the state of J&K 5000 crores already and the only loser in this melee is the common man. Bandhs have been imposed, many have been killed and the Union Home Minister says that a suitable solution would take a month. Well, Mr Dickhead who should bear the brunt of the unrest till then?

To me it’s a situation created entirely by the bastards known as politicians. Politicians belong to a race that would very happily throw their mothers to the frenzied mob to earn a quick buck. Well, this is just their motherland.

Ps: I repeat, I aint siding with any religion. I have put to word the ugly but very justified thoughts running in the minds of millions of Hindus. Let there be no more Ayodhas.

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Crappy Tales

Don’t blame me. Blogging is not a particularly profitable venture unless of course, you’re a Bachchan or a Khan. On second thoughts, you only make a profit when someone pays you. Well, Google Adsense program won’t contribute to my welfare fund for quite sometime simply because no one’s clicking on my ads. Watta piss off!

Quite frankly I don’t know what to write on. I do all my thinking in the toilet and that is one place that really pisses me off. Not that it’s a pretty site, but if you see me in the loo I can give Auguste Rodin’s Le Penseur (The Thinker) a run for his money. The only difference between us (discounting his chiseled body) is that The Thinker is pondering the hellish fate of those beneath him while I am worried about my bowel movement.

The toilet is a comforting place for a lot of people. But as far as I am concerned, the toilet is where most of the fights begin for me. Chill, I ain’t gonna bore you with my internal problems but it’s about women’s habit of leaving the toilet seat down. How is a man supposed to take a piss without dirtying the seat? Why the hell should I have to put up the seat to take a leak? Why can’t women simply do so after doing their bit?

We land up fighting everyday because of this shit. What infuriates me is the fact that officially the wife has made it clear that the toilet is my room, and still she refuses to follow my diktat there. It’s like living under the British Raj. You allow them to enter your space, they take over control, they allot you a piece of land to live but the rules remain theirs.

The history of toilets raises quite a stink. People in the Harappan civilization had water flushed toilets way back in 2500 BC! Wow!! I wonder who dug up so much shit to get to this data. The Italians have always been a merry bunch. Roman civilization had open air community toilets. Imagine bitching about everything in public while shitting.

The history of the toilet seat is unknown. Toilet seats never posed a problem in squat toilets. Simply cause squat toilets didn’t have any. Our ancestors never squabbled over the position of the toilet seat. The wife never got angry. The man never argued. And they made babies by the dozens. Cut to today. Man yells at wife for the seat. Wife is all worked up. Wife banishes the husband. No babies. Effective birth control.

Who would have known that the modern world uses toilet seats as birth control measure.?

Enough of this nonsense. Unless you guys wanna get bored with more shit please contribute to this blog.

Auguste Rodin’s Le Penseur

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Value Erosion

Sorry. I apologise to my three loyal readers – Me, Myself and Nobody Else – for not updating the blog in over a month. It’s not that nothing Pissd me off. In fact, there was a shit load to write about and I couldn’t decide what to start with.

Corruption
On May 21st, the front page of Times of India (Bombay edition) carried a very interesting article, “India ignores info offer on black money”

Germany has data on illegal funds stashed off in Liechtenstein’s LTG Bank. German intelligence agency, BND bought the data for €4.2million and is willing to give it to India for FREE since February! No govt official has taken the initiative to react to it.

The piss off is that Times of India has not bothered to follow up on the scoop. No other newspaper or channel has come forward to take on the politicians.

I asked my buddy, Varun (an unemployed lawyer) to take up the matter using the RTI Act and I was willing to bear the expenses. BUT that lazy lawyer hasn’t moved a muscle. So, I have reached the conclusion that it’s Varun who has an account there. Dude, atleast return the Rs 100 you borrowed.

College Admissions
SSC results were declared a few days ago. A staggering 86% of the students cleared the exams. Papers carried photos of students celebrating and distributing sweets. The idiots didn’t realize what was in store for them. Having to stand in serpentine queues outside colleges just to buy a form seems the University’s way of welcoming the students to their next level of education.

Why can’t the University put the admission forms of all colleges on its website for them to be downloaded? Charge the bloody application fees to the annual fee. If it’s not possible for the University to provide such a basic facility, the least it can do is to instruct the colleges to start selling the forms well in advance.

A website accepts online admissions but that too is facing teething problems and students and parents aint opting for it.

Nothing has changed in the last thirteen years. In 1995, I was one of the idiots in the queue. The world has moved on, India is a major IT superpower but the University of Mumbai believes in tradition. God bless them.

History Restored
We Indians have a deep desire to etch our name in history. Be it the beggar, a pauper like me or an Ambani we make it a point to leave a mark on every monument we visit. It’s instinctive. Not one of us can resist the lure of writing our names on the walls of our scared monuments. All of us have taken upon ourselves to unofficially ruin our monuments. STOP it right now coz this shit is getting legal coverage now. Huh!

Recently the govt of Maharashtra allotted Rs 7.5 crores for the restoration of four monumental forts. The work was commissioned to the Directorate of Archeology and Museums by the state ASI.

These forts are made of stone and limestone and date back to the 17th century. The mercenary bastards overseeing the work have actually used cement to plaster these forts! Now these structures look as pathetic as any other modern day building. To save costs and lessen their burden the contractors made no efforts to procure limestone or hire an expert to guide them.

The city is loosing its history; the custodians of our heritage are screwing it. Sewri and Bandra forts have bitten the dust, I guess Victoria Terminus is next.
RIP Bombay.

YouTube vdo:

Sewri fort: Maharashtra govt plaster heritage ugly

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Modern Medicine

In school, I hated the Biology class. Although the natural world excited me, I simply dint want to read it off a book. The misconception I had then was that the only future of a student good at biology was to become a doctor. Doctors scared me then, and still scare me today (the wife’s a doctor, u see!)

I recently read the most pissing off article ever published. It’s the kind of article that would make every married man cringe. A recent study listed on LiveScience.com reads thus, “New Depression Rx: Get Married.”

Don’t rub your eyes, you read it correct. Some stupid study actually prescribes marriage as a cure for depression!

Can you imagine going to the doctor to cure your depression and getting a prescription that reads, “Get Married.” What about the depressive life you lead after marriage? I have not known any man as depressed as a married one.

Happy were the days when I was dating my wife. Back then, her ideal holiday was to spend some time with me. Now after marriage, she only talks about the tourist attractions in New Zealand, Australia, Dubai, etc. It seems she has mugged up the entire atlas.

The constant nagging is a biggest challenge a man has to face. I get back home and dump my clothes anywhere and off goes the wife’s cool. Things the wife can’t stand are against the very basis of nature. She is against man’s fundamental right to break wind and scratch his arse. Come on, that’s the way we men express ourselves. But the moment I do that, I am exiled to my room – the bathroom.

Somehow women’s desire of wearing the best brands and eating at the swishest of places is saved till after marriage. Maybe they don’t disclose this side earlier just to appear reasonable. And once the marriage is registered, rises the real woman.

To enlighten you on the biggest ills of marriage, I believe, “Marriage maybe short-lived, but alimony is forever.”

Now tell me how any scientific study can prescribe marriage as an antidote to depression.
Oh, the horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science!

Pic contributed by Sonal Baid

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IPL: Incredibly Phatak Ladies

A heat wave swept Bangalore, Karnataka on 18th April, 2008. A lavish opening ceremony commenced the much awaited Indian Premier League sponsored by the real-estate giant,DLF. The tournament was touted to be the next best thing after Baywatch to hit television screens. Eight teams were formed and a shit load of cash was spent on their branding and hype.

The tournament kick-started with Shah Rukh Khan’s Kolkata Knight Riders taking on Vijay Mallya’s Royal Challengers. Though the Royal Challengers lost the match without a fight they found themselves a supporter. A loyal supporter in yours truly. The Bangalore team has THE best cheerleaders. I don’t care about the lousy cricket on offer, it’s the Washington Redskins that have roped in all the eyeballs. Ain’t that true, boys?

One team that started off badly was Rajasthan Royals. Lost their first match and did nothing to win fans. Shane Warne transformed them into a formidable side and the owners Emerging Media group got some real hot cheerleaders. God bless Emerging Media.

I personally feel that SRK’s team will be the first to post profits given the lovely branding he’s upto. BUT someone please shoot his lousy designer. Has anyone been able to decipher the clothes worn by his cheerleaders? To compensate for the cheerleaders, SRK's wife Gauri dresses up as one. The authorities should keep her off the ground cause she looks more like a fearleader. But are the lazy Kolkattans complaining?

Mumbai Indians. The less said the better. The MI team just found its element in the last couple of games. With Shaun Pollock as captain they are faring better but certainly Mr. Ambani could have picked a better side had he visited Oval Maidan once.
And he could have picked better cheerleaders had he hired the unemployed bar dancers. Wondering if the MI cheerleaders are competing with their counterparts from Kolkata. Let the true champion of morality, Mr RR Patil (Dy. CM of Maharashtra) judge this ugly competition.

As a owner I think Preity Zinta has done a wonderful job with her team, Kings XI Punjab. She’s making both the genders happy. The wife loves Brett Lee and Shaun Marsh. And Priety has replaced her old cheerleaders simply cause they weren't hot enough. PZ, I love you.

The Chennai Super Kings started with a bang, lost its way in the middle and are now bouncing back. My piss off is the ugly bunch of cheerleaders that accompany the team. Couldn't Dhoni use his Midas Touch to turn them into something meaningful. Mr Patil, please make a note of these beauties you will be judging.

IPL should blacklist GMR, the owners of the Delhi Daredevils for making irresponsible comments like banning their cheerleaders from all future matches they play.

The Deccan Chargers have a wonderful team and a gorgeous set of cheerleaders to boast of. But they have no public support. They have been consistently losing matches and the cheerleaders chose to cover up. :-(

I am praying that all matches played now onwards be between the Rajasthan Royals & the Royal Challengers. And that each ball crosses the boundary rope. And the cameras only focus on the cheerleaders. ;-)

The only piss-off, the lousy Royal Challengers ain’t hitting enough boundaries and sixes for their cheerleaders to break into a dance. Jump Washington Redskins jump ;-)

Rest in peace Baywatch, the IPL Cheerleaders are here. N so is the wife...Oucchhhhhh.

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Summer Weddings :-(

A couple of weeks ago, I was in Jaipur, Rajasthan to attend my cousin’s wedding. The very fact that I had to be in Jaipur in the April heat scared me more than the institution of marriage. Rajasthan’s dry climate with the sun blazing full-on is far more lethal than a wife can be.

The exercise to pack your best formals can be such a chore when you have to plan for a wedding in 40˚ Celsius. I managed to stuff clothes for two days. The wife packed in all her finest heavy sarees and I thought the woman had lost it.

The heat was unbearable and I stuck to being indoors. The biggest problem was the daily battle between Snobby (our pet dog) and me to grab a place directly in front of the desert cooler.

The dinner after the wonderful sangeet program was the killer. Rajasthan being the land of royalty has some really rich food to offer. Right from the starters to desserts Rajasthani food is packed with ghee and spices. It’s the kind of food you would love to gorge on in the winters, but the Rajasthanis somehow never learnt to differentiate between the seasons. There I was having the spiciest of pastas that mankind could have dished out. The next morning I was down with a bad tummy and still had two more meals to go. I skipped the lunch and drank only strawberry milkshake for the dinner.

Between all this, I could imagine the plight of the bride and the groom. The bride was wearing a 10kg lehenga and the customary makeup. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and sympathized with her. The groom looked a lil more relieved cause he didn’t have to deck up as much as the bride but little does the idiot know what’s in store for him as a married man.

What pisses me off is the logic behind summer weddings. And more so summer weddings in north India. You can’t relish the food nor wear the clothes you always fantasized about in the wedding catalogues. Why can't parents permit a beach wedding instead? Imagine the babes in beachwear ;-)

Shit, here comes the wife. Though I was married in the chilly winters I am still feeling the heat.
Auggh.

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Introduction

Frustation. Anger. Irritation. That’s what gets me going. It’s the overall feeling of being super-pissed about everything in life that has prompted me to start this blog. Maybe you would identify with a few issues or maybe not. You could have your own views - views that totally contrast mine. I would like you to share your outlook and further enhance this blog.

Why I chose such a shady name for this blog?
Well, simply because it’s a reflection of the lives of most people. We are either getting pissed about issues or getting pissed upon by the higher-ups.

As I write this, my biggest piss-off is the fact I actually wanted my blog to be spelt “PISSED.” But some bitch called Melissa has hogged that name and the last time she updated her blog was in November 2001. I am even PISS’D about that.

Let the cribbings begin!

Ps: I am a newbie blogger and would love it if you help me with your input and let me get Piss'd further.

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