The Indian Sports Drama

For once I agree with the India's stand on the sportsmen that represent her on an international level. The Sports Ministry has decided to bar athletes holding foreign passports from representing the country. The Ministry's rational is that it would create a level playing field for the local talent!

We are a country driven by knowlegde and it's only fair that we produce intellectuals and businessmen. Sports do not deserve any spot in our society. We have a world class cricket team so let's just stop there. Why do we want an Indian contingent for the Olympics? Why do we want some overseas based Indians to represent us? Why do these NRIs want to represent India in the first place? 

It is a known fact that the Sports Ministry officials undertake foreign holidays in the guise of work commitments at our expense. I bet the only 'sport' the Sports Minister must have ever played is a round of teen patti. Curse that idiot, cause had he learned bridge or poker atleast he could have played some money spinning tournments.

The Sports Ministry wants to create a level playing field by barring Indians holding foreign passports a chance to represent India. Why?? Simply because these sportsmen get the best of facilities and are trained by coaches of international level. Unlike a sportsman based and trained in India, these sportsmen don't have to stay in dorms that have no beds but only torn mattresses; and they don't have to use toilets that overflow and bathrooms that have no water supply. All these facilities (or the lack of them) are character building exercises. It's a must for every Indian sportsman (barring cricketers) representing India to go through the entire process. And if the sportsman still has the will to represent this great country, he gets rewarded by a trip to an international event accompanied by a over-sized contingent of officials on holiday.

I feel the Sports Ministry should strip Olympic gold medallist shooter, Abhinav Bindra off his medal cause he had an unfair advantage over the other Indian shooters. His daddy is Mr Moneybags and the dude had the best of the facilities and training at his home in Delhi. Didn't he know that he had to go through the rind to eat the sweet fruit of representing India? Strip the cheat off his medal, I say.

Davis Cupper Prakash Amritraj and Ankur Poseria, Indian swimmer holding US passport, have cried enough cause they cannot represent India. It's time to introspect guys. Give up the damn sport and set up an industry in Gujarat. Narendra Modi awaits you with open arms...

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Screw the Politician

Is a 100km human chain across the length of Bombay the best method to curb the lackadaisical attitude of our politicians? Or is a congregation of a hundred thousand people at the Gateway of India enough to bring in some accountability in the system?

What have politicians done for us to deserve the privileges they currently have? I have been voting since 11 yrs in all the elections that took place but have not seen any action from either the local corporator or the MLA. PMs of our country are busy answering either to their allies or to their Italian madams. Presidents here don’t get another term in office simply cause they are clean, unbiased and intellectuals; instead these honest people are replaced by morons who are too dumb to be respected by their own children let alone the citizens of our country.

It pisses me off whenever I see a politician or bureaucrat halts the already crawling traffic of Bombay just so that his car passes by. Why are such privileges given to these bastards when they don’t even do their job? Why are politicians not security checked at airports? I bet they carry loads of black money and quite possibly a firearm too.

Instead of making a strong statement against the terrorists that waged war in Bombay last month or the country harbouring these terrorists, our politicians are bickering over the killing of ATS chief. I bet Hemant Karkare died a bigger death after his death was politicized by Antulay in the Parliament. All the strong statements have come from Barrack Obama and Ratan Tata while our politicians are busy with their own civil war in the Parliament.

The ‘best’ India has managed in our fight against terror is to get JuD banned by the UN. Gimme a break. Isn’t SIMI a banned outfit? Doesn’t SIMI still operate freely? Wasn’t SIMI blamed for the blasts in Ahmedabad recently? Who are you fooling, Manmohan Singh? The only way to ban a militant outfit is to BOMB it. Isn’t that what Bush did to the Taliban?

Politicians have already sold India, next probably are their mothers. 

Cartoons by Manjul

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Workaholics Suck

The workaholics are so damn passionate about their work that they don't realise when to stop. I tend to stay away from these diseased people. Unfortunately, these are the people who rake in all the moolah. Our sportsmen fall in this category. Especially cricketers. Look at Kapil Dev. A brilliant all-rounder who kept dragging his career to beat Richard Hadlee's bowling record. Towards the end of his carreer, the entire world pleaded with him to stop but the determined man kept on going. The same applies to our recent crop of oldies in the side.

I don't know why Anil Kumble thought it was necessary for him to hang around like a grandfather clock. He hadn't got the wickets or the fitness. But he had the most lethal weapon - the captaincy. Kumble probably thought he could amass 100 more wickets and catch up with Shane Warne and Murlitharan. Wishful thinking buddy! I bet he would not have hung his boots had he not been injured.

Laxman shows his brilliance in one match and ensures that the board keep paying his salary for the next ten matches. He is too old to run to the loo in case of an emergency, so how does one expect him to run on-field?

Whats wrong with Rahul Dravid? After loosing the captaincy, Rahul's been batting like a baby. He's averaged 18runs in the last 19 innings! Not only batting, Rahul's fielding is appalling. The way he's been dropping catches, it seems the matches are fixed! Dravid's lost his touch and his confidence. Now it's time to loose his seat on the team bus. How long can he continue to live on his goodwill. Tailenders like Ishant Sharma & Harbhajan Singh have been consistently scoring more than him! Call it a day, pal. I know we were nearing a recessionary phase and you need the job, but its high time you stopped traumatising us with your pitiful batting.

I would award the Biggest Ass of the Year Award to Sourav Ganguly. He went against the tide and announced his retirement at a time when he was actually contributing to the team's cause! Watta ass. Dada may have had enough but his performance and attitude till his last match has put to shame all the ex-cricketers.

It's an unwritten rule in India's sportscircle that you make hay while the sun shines and never quit; you get thrown out. Dada, look at your peers and reconsider the decision.

Ok, I am tired of writing so much tripe, so will continue about the second category sometime later.

Ps: Dada thanks for the memories. Dravid, the way your currently performing, I wonder what memories you'll leave behind!

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Boycott Pakis

It’s safe to assume by now that every individual residing in Pakistan is directly or indirectly controlled by their intelligence service, ISI. After last month’s terror attacks in Bombay, Pakistan had declared that the ISI chief would visit India for a dialogue because that’s what we Indians do best, just talk. In a couple of hours Pakistan did a u-turn; it said a director would be sent and that India had misunderstood the earlier statement.

It’s quite evident that the ISI dictated the government to retract its statement. The democratic government in Pakistan is just a puppet in the hands of the ISI and the military. The army had set up the democracy so that the world recognizes the government and they continue to receive financial aid that may not be possible in a military ruled country.

These financial aids are used to harbour terrorists instead of the betterment of citizens. I seriously feel that all Pakistani artistes across all fields and sportsmen be banned from India. I am not saying that these artistes and sportsmen are harbingers of terror in our country but the money they earn from India somehow finds its way to terrorism to back stab us. Huh? They obviously pay taxes to the ISI backed government, don’t they?

As much as I love listening to the Atif Aslams and Rahat Fateh Ali Khans, as much as I love to see Afridi bat, I think these people earning off us has to stop. And stop NOW. I still regard Wasim Akram as the best damn left arm pacer of all times, but it’s time now that he makes a living in his own country.

Talent shows can do without these artistes. TV shows don’t become successes because a couple of contestants are from across a terrorist country. But terrorism definitely is succeeding because of our love towards their artistes.

Indo-Pak cricket matches and all sporting events have to stop right away. And for the betterment of all, why only India, all countries should boycott events with Pakistan. After all, weren't Americans, Israelis and Britishers killed in the Bombay attacks.

And if Mahesh Bhatt thinks otherwise, I seriously suggest we deport him to Pakistan and let him make his crappy movies there.

Article in a leading Pakistani English newspaper, Dawn by a pakistani, Irfan Hussain seconds my views. Well, almost.
Links for the article as it appeared in Hindustan Times, Bombay edition of 10/12/2008:
Page 1 & Page 2

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Letter to the PM

I received an email today stating that the following letter had been written by the editor of Times of India, Bombay edition. I doubt that but the content of the letter is indicative of the mood of every citizen of Bombay irrespective of our religion or caste. Here it goes:

--

Dear Mr. Prime minister

I am a typical mouse from Mumbai. In the local train compartment which has capacity of 100 persons, I travel with 500 more mouse. Mouse at least squeak but we don't even do that.

Today I heard your speech. In which you said 'NO BODY WOULD BE SPARED'. I would like to remind you that fourteen years has passed since serial bomb blast in Mumbai took place. Dawood was the main conspirator. Till today he is not caught. All our bolywood actors, our builders, our Gutka king meets him but your Government can not catch him. Reason is simple; all your ministers are hand in glove with him. If any attempt is made to catch him everybody will be exposed. Your statement 'NOBODY WOULD BE SPARED' is nothing but a cruel joke on this unfortunate people of India.

Enough is enough. As such after seeing terrorist attack carried out by about a dozen young boys I realize that if same thing continues days are not away when terrorist will attack by air, destroy our nuclear reactor and there will be one more Hiroshima.

We the people are left with only one mantra. Womb to Bomb to Tomb. You promised Mumbaikar Shanghai what you have given us is Jalianwala Baug.

Today only your home minister resigned. What took you so long to kick out this joker? Only reason was that he was loyal to Gandhi family. Loyalty to Gandhi family is more important than blood of innocent people, isn't it?

I am born and bought up in Mumbai for last fifty eight years. Believe me corruption in Maharashtra is worse than that in Bihar. Look at all the politician, Sharad Pawar, Chagan Bhujbal, Narayan Rane, Bal Thackray , Gopinath Munde, Raj Thackray, Vilasrao Deshmukh all are rolling in money. Vilasrao Deshmukh is one of the worst Chief minister I have seen. His only business is to increase the FSI every other day, make money and send it to Delhi so Congress can fight next election. Now the clown has found new way and will increase FSI for fisherman so they can build concrete house right on sea shore. Next time terrorist can comfortably live in those house , enjoy the beauty of sea and then attack the Mumbai at their will.

Recently I had to purchase house in Mumbai. I met about two dozen builders. Everybody wanted about 30% in black. A common person like me knows this and with all your intelligent agency & CBI you and your finance minister are not aware of it. Where all the black money goes? To the underworld isn't it? Our politicians take help of these goondas to vacate people by force. I myself was victim of it. If you have time please come to me, I will tell you everything.

If this has been land of fools, idiots then I would not have ever cared to write you this letter. Just see the tragedy, on one side we are reaching moon, people are so intelligent and on other side you politician has converted nectar into deadly poison. I am everything Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Schedule caste, OBC, Muslim OBC, Christian Schedule caste, Creamy Schedule caste only what I am not is INDIAN. You politician have raped every part of mother India by your policy of divide and rule.

Take example of former president Abdul Kalam. Such a intelligent person, such a fine human being. You politician didn't even spare him. Your party along with opposition joined the hands, because politician feels they are supreme and there is no place for good person.

Dear Mr Prime minister you are one of the most intelligent person, most learned person. Just wake up, be a real SARDAR. First and foremost expose all selfish politician. Ask Swiss bank to give name of all Indian account holder. Give reins of CBI to independent agency. Let them find wolf among us. There will be political upheaval but that will better than dance of death which we are witnessing every day. Just give us ambient where we can work honestly and without fear. Let there be rule of law. Everything else will be taken care of.

Choice is yours Mr. Prime Minister. Do you want to be lead by one person or you want to lead the nation of 100 Crore people?

Prakash B. Bajaj

Chandralok 'A" Wing, Flat No 104

97 Nepean Sea Road

Mumbai 400 036

Phone 98210-71194

--

Mr Bajaj is certainly not the editor of any newspaper but a really Pissd individual. And he's not alone.

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Spirit of Bombay

It's the Spirit of Bombay that is ruining our lives. Ya, the undying spirit. The spirit that keeps us going despite all odds. The spirit that saw us through the riots of 1992, the serial blasts in 1993, the 26/7 Bombay floods and the train blasts. But it's now this spirit that is being used by the unscrupulous politicians, simply because everyone around the globe knows come what may Bombay will rise. And rise higher.

The recent terror war on Bombay has finally woken up the citizens. But for how long? Today over a hundred thousand people gathered at the Gateway of India to protest against the callous attitude of the politicians. Protesting aint gonna help our cause people. Never did, never will. It's high time we acted.

If a bastard thinks the life of innocent people is a DDLJ and that such 'small incidents occur in big cities' let us enter his house and lynch him to death and really prove him right that such small incidents indeed happen in big cities.

How many of us respect Pratibha Patil? Not me. And certainly not the armed forces. Still as a matter of duty our armed forces are answerable to her. She's a President who is a mere puppet in the hand of the only man in Congress - Sonia Gandhi. Mrs Patil knows nothing about the security of the nation to command these brave soldiers. But what she knows thoroughly well is how to holiday in Indonesia while the nation is under attack. After her holiday she came to meet the victims of the terror in Bombay. Not only did her presence ruin the traffic situation but the patients at the civic hospitals she visited were neglected for her security. Nurses waited for an hour at JJ Hospital to serve dinner to the victims simply cause Pratibha Patil would not move her arse out of the hospital. Bitch.

These politicians have been ridiculing our martyred soldiers and policemen. First it was by the way of providing sub-standard equipment and planes. Then, ATS Chief Hemant Karkare was labelled a crook by these politicians, but post 26/11 all political parties want to cash in on his death by writing paeans of his bravery all over the city. And now, by saying that a even a dog would not visit a soldier's house. An illiterate politician gets away by chiding a soldier while his colleagues are protecting the politician's life by laying theirs on line. Enough is enough.

Why must politicians live in the luxury of Honda Citys when the money can be spent on better equipment for defence? Why must politicians have the right of way on the road? Why deploy commandoes to protect politicians and babus? Why keep Afzal Guru's file on hold indefinitely instead of hanging him? Why must a blood thirsty terrorist like Kasab get a fair trial?

Why must the Spirit of Bombay become so evident that the politicians use it to their gain? It is high time we stop paying with our lives for the fancies of these jerks. It's time for the real Rang De Basanti.

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Force India

I love the game of cricket when its played in the right spirit or when the Aussies weep like sissy girls after their losses. Friday's match between India and England was a thrill to watch. Good entertainment atleast for the first half, all thanks to Yuvraj Singh.

Yuvraj Singh's innings was enchanting, packed with some superb shots. But I personally feel the innings lacked character. Why I say that is because his fitness was a big question mark and had it not been for the runner, Gautam Gambhir, Yuvi would have been out of the equation long ago. Yuvi called for a runner when he was batting on 37 off 37 balls having hit three 4s and a 6. Thereafter he amassed 101 runs in 41 balls! Had it not been for a runner, Yuvraj would have either retired hurt or got out to some rash shot and England would not have lost soo damn miserably.

My arguement is that if bowlers ain't allowed a substitute, why do batsmen have this privilege? Agreed the runner just runs on behalf of the batsman BUT running is an integral part of batting. Well, not in Yuvraj's innings but what Saaed Anwar's record innings of 194 against us where he batted with a runner for 31 overs! Take Brian Lara's knock of 400 in 582balls. That's 708mins of hardcore batting without a runner. His fitness spoke volumes in that match and the score seems like it's going to be unbeaten for quite sometime.

Moving on to the biggest cry babies of world cricket, Australia. These guys give their best on the field. They will abuse you and your family but call them a monkey and the drama begins. Stand up to their shit and you are labelled a rascist or an 'obnoxious little weed' or a 'third world country.' Strange ain't it, the combined earnings of these 'first world country' players and their criminal forefathers does not compare with the moolah they rake in the IPL held in a 'third world country.' Didn't anyone tell Mathew Hayden that his ancestors like most other Aussies' were potential criminals, who got thrown into Australia by the British? Oops, did I hurt some sissy Aussies. Well let's not get there and further hurt their glorious 'culture.'

To sum it up in the words of Harbhajan Singh after India handed out Australia its worst defeat in 25years, "I think they (Aussies) were busy writing their books, while we were busy preparing for the series. You can see what difference it has made."

Go India go...

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Chipko Movement - II

Driving down the lanes of Sleater Road & Worli, I felt a little less claustrophobic. Not that the roads and been widened or the traffic had eased, its just that a few trees had been chopped. The large tree at Teenbati, Walkeshwar has met the same fate. What's with the municipal corporation? Why have these trees been axed?

Are the trees being chopped to display the ugly buildings they were covering? The Teenbati tree certainly seems to have been axed to serve that purpose. Not only did it provide shade to both sides of the road, it also covered a dilapidated old uninhabited building. A mammoth of a tree has been chopped off at the Royal Opera House. The only logic I see is nothing. The Royal Opera House building is a neglected beauty and there were reports to renovate it. The renovation has neither started nor was the tree blocking any activity. Still the mighty must fall to the whims of the idiot managing our city.

Some time back, residents of Haji Ali had actually revived the Chipko Movement to protect the 87 trees lined on the Haji Ali promenade. They were opposing the municipal corporation’s bright idea to replace the trees with a Zodiac Park. Can you imagine how beautiful the place would look with all the 12 zodiac signs instead of these 87 trees? These idiotic residents are actually standing in the path of beautification and development. I bow down to the wise men that warm the chairs of BMC.

The one guy I am starting to idolize is the CM of Maharashtra, Vilasrao Deshmukh. He is the true champion of humanity and the messiah of the masses. To regularize the illegal constructions made by builders on forest land, Deshmukh suggested that the innocent residents pay just 70paise per square foot to keep their land! This shrewd businessman will earn the state millions of rupees. He has not only provided relief to the residents but also secured his vote bank. Shouldn't Deshmukh be gunning for the head of the mercenary babus who let the builders get away by constructing on reserved forest land? The panel set up by the Supreme Court has suggested that pre-2005 constructions be regularised at a charge. BUT there's no reference of taking the authorities to task?

Nothing’s gonna improve around here. Assholes will keep wasting time updating their blogs while politicians will keep making moolah. Global warming does not even ring a bell with the authorities.

Screw global warming, I am waiting for the Zodiac Park. Let’s see what’s in store for Geminians. The future looks bright.

Pix courtesy Universal Press Syndicate

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MMR oops, MRM Shot

Trust a woman to spoil a perfectly lazy and boring holiday. No you got it wrong, the wife's not after my ass this time. And no, I ain't having an extra-marital affair either. Sigh...

Sometime back I requested a professional blogger, MRM, to review the nonsense on Pissd. How was I to know that she would actually read my mail? She reviewed the blog and liked the content! It made her laugh!! Am sorry, it wasn't intentional.

MRM thought the layout and display sucked. She asked me to dump the stupid template which I personally thought was cool. But then I gave into guru maiyaa's views. I spent one full day at the computer to change the look of this dumb blog. I skipped a Mithunda flick on tv (I know I should be hanged for that)  and if now she doesn't like it, I am gonna pull out the last few strands of hair on my scalp.

Well, if you don't like the new layout you can always blame the guru maiyaa. If for some stupid reason you like it then I am gonna thank you for letting my hair be. 

HT Cafe article by MRM

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Round is a Shape

It's a historic day. One that compares with Columbus' discovery of America or the invention of the television or India's moon mission. I finally rediscovered the route to the gym after four bloody months. Ya, believe it or not, I got out of bed beating all odds! Rise plebians, I deserve a resounding applause.

Four months of blubber piling up around the waist finally made me beat the odds. The odds may sound crazy but what can I do, nature was against me.

First, I blame it on Bombay's rains and the Meteorology department. The Met predicted a good monsoon so I didn't get out of the bed in anticipation. But it didn't rain a single day in July. That's if you discount the wife's abuses on my lethargy. It rained all August upto mid-September and I caught up on my sleep.

Then after the monsoon receded and the laziness crept in, I drew inspiration from cartoons such as these. Mid-September to Diwali the only thing I did was make excuses and blame them on my favourite punching bag - the wife. She sleeps till late and I just get jealous of seeing her, so I oblige the bed. Now, isn't that justified? But try reasoning with the wife and parents, if that's possible.

Now, that Diwali's gone and the wedding season is upon us, I have just realised that no trouser is willing to go around the waist. It's a conspiracy. Someone save me. I gotta attend a lot of weddings in the chilly winters and have no trousers! Dammit!! The only garment that goes around the waist now is the good old pyjama but imagine the sight of a pj under a blazer. Ouch.. I am gonna look like Govinda in Raja Babu.. Aa aa ee...Crap, Gold's Gym here I come.

Comic strip courtesy Randy Glasbergen

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Happy Diwala

It's six bloody thirty in the morning on a holiday and I am on the pc! Am already Pissd having missed Russell Peters' show lastnight and some idiot won't let me sleep over it. The dude's in super diwali mood and has been bursting crackers since an hour. Ain't bursting crackers between 2200-0600hrs banned? Why don't the cops do their bit?

Makes me wonder whose so damn excited about Diwali this freaking year. Everyone's wealth has been eroded thanks to the stock market. Not even the Ambanis or the Mittals have escaped the rout; and Iceland has gone bust! The recession all over the globe has just begun and some rascal is wasting his precious money bursting crackers! Moron.

The wife's enjoying her sleep oblivious to evils of the world. Bless her, she doesn't know shit about the stock markets. I'm jealous. And broke... Happy(ya,rite!!) Diwali.

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Festive Blues

It's the most festive time of the year for us Indians all over the world. Diwali will be celebrated with much aplomb and gaiety. But personally for me it's the most irritating time of the year.

Imagine a wonderfully lazy Sunday morning when a man should just chill at home and do a man's thing - nothing. That's all a man wants. But how can a woman see a man relax. Come Diwali and the mother and wife yell in unison to clear all the mess I have made during the year. I think this ritual is far more important than the Laxmi Pooja. My two very precious sundays have been wasted cleaning and dusting all the cupboards and my belongings. What's with these maniacial women? Why can't they simply do it on their own?

Weight Woes
Since it's the festive season, quite understandably you get to gorge on all the crappy stuff to eat. I simply love the sweets and the Gujju farsans and can stuff it in day and night. But one nasty look from the wife and you know that you will have to burn off the extra calories. This bloody reminds me that my Gold's Gym membership card is gathering more cobwebs than the cupboards the wife made me clean.

My alibi during the monsoons was that it was impossible to walk to the gym is Bombay's unpredictable rains. Its been a month since the monsoons have left almost all parts of the country and I still haven't made an effort to get out of the bed. The wife pesters me everyday to hit the gym but a man with strong will never budges to the whims of a woman. Am waiting for the winters to make my next excuse. Till then please help me think of one.

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Mistimed Marriage

Two years! Two bloody years after my marriage, the government of Maharashtra rules that live-in relationships are as good as marriage. I hate these assholes that make the rules. What were they doing till now? Shoot these rascals.

Circa 2006, I convinced the girlfriend (now, wife) that a live-in relationship would be a much better option to marriage. The sweet girl she was then, she hesitantly agreed. Just as I was gonna break into my victory jig, she cut me short and reminded me that we live with our parents. Reality check... plans doomed :-(

Figthing deranged tigers is an easier task than to convince parents. So without even giving it a shot, I accepted defeat. I think it was a wise decision because I can imagine the reaction of marwari parents. The argument would have been sealed with the demise of the arguer.

Now, if the government would have made the rule a couple a years ago, I would have stood a lil chance to convince the parents on the grounds that it was a legal relationship. Why cant progress be timed correctly?

I now oppose this ruling because now I am a harried oops, married man. Why should my bachelor friends, running away from marriage, get this unfair advantage? Damn the rule. For once the wife agrees! Its the most memorable moment of my wedded life - she agrees! Wow, here comes the victory jig.

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Breaking News

Have you had the misfortune of tuning into our desi news channels? Oops, wrong choice of words. Its more of entertainment and not a misfortune. Our news channels dish out so much of shit that they put to shame the crappy contents of my blog.

The day VHP workers blocked the Western Express Highway in Bombay, I tuned into Aaj Tak to get an update. "Hritik ab nahin nachenge (Hritik Roshan wont dance now)," this is what Aaj Tak was showing in Breaking News. Another news channel had an interview with Shah Rukh Khan. No mention of VHP's show of strength for the Amarnath situation!

Anyways, say what you want these channels work their arse out day and night to provide us entertaining stories such as, Mauth ki guffa, Beti bani dayan, Kariye swarg ke darshan, Khooni pedh ka rahasia, etc

Following are some TV grabs of Breaking News on different news channels. Enjoy!

This one's from Aaj Tak at 0737hrs on a Wednesday morning. The Breaking News reads, "राहुल ने दाल-पूडी और सब्ज़ी खाई" It refers to Rahul Gandhi's meal that comprised of Daal, Pooris and veggies. Some breaking news! Did he drink water?



Breaking News, "अमिताभ बच्चन को ठंड लगी"
Amitabh Bachchan's feeling cold!! The poor man doesn't make enough money, someone please buy him a blanket. And someone please donate a brain to the editor of this channel.


Monday morning 1005hrs, Aaj Tak's Breaking News, "छज्जे पर बिल्लो रानी" Here's one cat that made more news than Halle Berry and her inane movie, Cat Woman. A cat was perched on a ledge. After watching some idiotic humans trying to 'rescue' it for 6hrs, the cat jumped off the ledge. Someone please inform these morons that cats love to perch on heights and can easily survive jumping from considerable heights. Thanks to the India Today group for letting Aaj Tak be a free channel. No one would have paid for it anyway.

29 March 2008, 0902hrs Star News. Breaking News, "दिल्ली: कमीशनर का कुत्ता मिला" Four days after its disappearance, Delhi Commissioner's dog was found. And that became prime time national news! God bless the guy who found the doggy, now Commissionersaab can get back to doing some work. More over Paris Hilton & Raveena Tandon, Mr Commissioner is here.

That's not all. All hell broke loose when India TV reported that aliens have broken into our airspace in their UFO and are abducting our cows! Don't rub your eyes, you read it right. Yes, some aliens are abducting cows and India TV poses some real serious questions. Where do these cows disappear? Do the aliens drink our cows milk? Are cows from India on their hitlist?

Its not the content thats pissing off. Needless to say that it is super entertaining but the fact that appears on a damn news channel is pissing off. The wife tunes into all the so called entertainment channels and I miss out on these treasures of knowledge. If only I had a television of my own. If only wishes were horses...

Pictures contributed by Vineet Jain & Vikram SN

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Unsung Heroes

Last week Bombay bid adieu to its favourite god, Ganesh amidst great fervour and merriment. And top notch security. After the five bombs that ripped across Delhi on Sept 13, Bombay was put on high alert.

The cops in the city now had their full hands fuller. For the smooth visarjan of Lord Ganesh, Bombay’s administrators rope in the municipal corporation, the traffic police, police and other disaster management agencies. But this year the police not only had to supervise over 3 million devotees that put gather at the various immersion sites but also keep an eye on the terrorists.

The cops finally ended their duty for the day the next morning at 0830 hrs only after Lalbaugcha Raja completed its 22hr journey. No terror attacks, no molestations, no other crime incidents. Another successful day in the office for the cops.

I think our police force is the most ridiculed and looked-down-on agency. Yet it is one of the most efficient agencies. Cops accept bribes only because you offer it to them. They are only as corrupt as you make them. But they are efficient when it matters the most. How else can you explain a 1000 policemen overlooking the security of 1 million devotees that gather to bid farewell to just one Ganpati idol – the Lalbaugcha Raja.

It’s not as though I am in love with the police or am getting paid by the police department but I just wanted to bring to light a mammoth effort put in by these men that goes unnoticed everyday. Not giving them credit when it’s due, that’s what pisses me off.

Before I get to preachy on an already very boring website, I just want to sum up in the words of my friend, Ariz Chandra, from Aaj Tak news, “The police has to get it right every second of the day, whereas a terrorist has to get it right only once in his lifetime. Every second that an incident does not take place it’s a victory for the police.”

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Relief Funds – II

In continuance to my blog post on Sept 6 2008, I was appalled to read an article in the Times of India (Bombay edition) dated Sept 13, 2008.

It exposes how politicians have swallowed the aid meant for the farmers in Yavatmal, Maharashtra. The region has been plagued by numerous suicides by farmers as they could not repay the loans taken by them.

As an aid to the farmers, the government had set aside a fund whereby a farmer would only have to pay fifty percent of the cost of a cattle and the balance would be borne by the government. The purpose of the scheme was to help the distressed families to supplement their income as farming had become unviable in the unirrigated cotton growing belt.

Instead of reaching out to the lowly farmers, the scheme dug deeper and reached the lowest level of scum – Politicians. Here too MLA, ex-ministers and their relatives siphoned off the state’s funds and purchased the cows & buffaloes for themselves at 50% of the cost.

Despite the fact that this article had been published on the front page of Times of India, I can bet that that no action will ever be taken against those who have misused the scheme. On second thoughts, if WE could turn a blind eye to “India ignores info offer on black money” then we obviously can overlook such petty issues.

I am pissed because no one in my family briefed me about the correct path to earn money. The father still insists that I drag my sorry arse to the office and slog it out there only to come back without results. Oh, if only had he known the real art of making money is to become a politician. Alas.

Times of India article dated Sept 13,2008 "Netas Swallow Farmer's Aid

Ps: To highlight the matter TOI ran another article on Sept 24, 2008.
Times of India article dated Sept 24, 2008 "Cows Never Came Home"

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Relief Funds

The Kosi river has swelled and is venting its anger on the state of Bihar. According to UN, more than 3 million people have been displaced.Over the past two weeks every newspaper has advertisements of Prime Minister’s Relief Fund and Chief Ministers’ Relief Funds for the flood hit state of Bihar. Personally, I feel this is a scam and the full aid NEVER reaches the source.

Last year a newspaper carried a report of how the PM’s Relief Fund for the tsunami victims had been misused and never reached the needy in Tamil Nadu and Andaman & Nicobar Islands. I don’t say that the entire fund is pocketed by the babus and politicians managing these funds but a major chunk of it goes missing. I always felt that while the CM’s fund was easier to misappropriate, the PM’s fund would be more secure.

Well, I changed my stand after reading an article in Mumbai Mirror dated August 23, 2008. It reads, “PM’s promise reduces brave boy to labourer.” Thirteen year old Raipalli Vamsi, student of Class IX, received the National Bravery Award from the President on Republic Day this year. After the ceremony Vamsi unfortunately met the Turbanator, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who assured him of education in a school of Vamsi’s choice. Vamsi was to receive all help, financial and otherwise, as per the PM’s promise. Forget a better school, Raipalli had to quit his Zilla Parishad School on July 1 and is now a daily wage labourer earning Rs 30 per day! God bless the Turbanator for terminating a poor kid’s future.

Cut to the Relief Funds. These Funds accumulate a few 100 crore rupees very easily, isn’t the lure to siphon the Fund irresistible. When the Honorable PM could back track in little Vamsi’s case which involved a fraction of his fund, what assurance do we have that the Bihar Relief Fund would reach the flood hit population?

Why not give to an NGO? Or just hand it over to your Bihari servant, driver or watchman. Don’t trust the NGOs or Biharis? Give them a chance. The government has failed. Politicians are good-for-nothing-bastards, so why not hand over the relief materials to the Bihari who might just help his people.

Click for Mumbai Mirror's article 'PM’s promise reduces brave boy to labourer'

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Amar Akbar n Money

I gotta be the least religious guy around. Its not that I am an atheist, it’s just that I think its too much of a waste of time and energy unless you are in trouble. In short, I don’t trouble God until I am in trouble. I ain’t not proud about my views but isn’t it really convenient to blame all your shortcomings on some unknown supreme power?

If I ain’t a staunch follower why the hell am I posting this crap on Pissd. Well, the happenings in Jammu & Kashmir over the last month and a half have been very disturbing. Not that I had to cancel a holiday trip to Kashmir cause of the unrest in the state, but its something that needs urgent attention.

I think a little piece of land at Amarnath is going to widen the rift between the Hindus and the Muslims. Mind you, to the best of my knowledge, this rift is not created by us but by the biggest scumbags in society – Politicians.

Lot of Hindus question the stay on the transfer of land to the Shri Amarnathji Shrine Board for setting up temporary shelters for pilgrims. Their argument being that if 157,000 Muslims can get a subsidy to perform the Haj pilgrimage every year, why cant a little piece of land be transferred to the shrine board. I feel it’s a fair argument. They aren’t asking for a monetary favour. Its just a land that will be officially be used to set up temporary shelters for pilgrims. The BIG question is: Would such a problem arise if the land wasn’t given to the Board officially? Weren’t pilgrims making use of the area till last year? Now since they officially want to use it, that causes a problem!

Moreover, its just a temporary settlement which would disappear the moment the ice Shivling disappears. Doesn’t the arrangement provide employment to thousands of Muslims of J&K?

The agitations have cost the state of J&K 5000 crores already and the only loser in this melee is the common man. Bandhs have been imposed, many have been killed and the Union Home Minister says that a suitable solution would take a month. Well, Mr Dickhead who should bear the brunt of the unrest till then?

To me it’s a situation created entirely by the bastards known as politicians. Politicians belong to a race that would very happily throw their mothers to the frenzied mob to earn a quick buck. Well, this is just their motherland.

Ps: I repeat, I aint siding with any religion. I have put to word the ugly but very justified thoughts running in the minds of millions of Hindus. Let there be no more Ayodhas.

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Crappy Tales

Don’t blame me. Blogging is not a particularly profitable venture unless of course, you’re a Bachchan or a Khan. On second thoughts, you only make a profit when someone pays you. Well, Google Adsense program won’t contribute to my welfare fund for quite sometime simply because no one’s clicking on my ads. Watta piss off!

Quite frankly I don’t know what to write on. I do all my thinking in the toilet and that is one place that really pisses me off. Not that it’s a pretty site, but if you see me in the loo I can give Auguste Rodin’s Le Penseur (The Thinker) a run for his money. The only difference between us (discounting his chiseled body) is that The Thinker is pondering the hellish fate of those beneath him while I am worried about my bowel movement.

The toilet is a comforting place for a lot of people. But as far as I am concerned, the toilet is where most of the fights begin for me. Chill, I ain’t gonna bore you with my internal problems but it’s about women’s habit of leaving the toilet seat down. How is a man supposed to take a piss without dirtying the seat? Why the hell should I have to put up the seat to take a leak? Why can’t women simply do so after doing their bit?

We land up fighting everyday because of this shit. What infuriates me is the fact that officially the wife has made it clear that the toilet is my room, and still she refuses to follow my diktat there. It’s like living under the British Raj. You allow them to enter your space, they take over control, they allot you a piece of land to live but the rules remain theirs.

The history of toilets raises quite a stink. People in the Harappan civilization had water flushed toilets way back in 2500 BC! Wow!! I wonder who dug up so much shit to get to this data. The Italians have always been a merry bunch. Roman civilization had open air community toilets. Imagine bitching about everything in public while shitting.

The history of the toilet seat is unknown. Toilet seats never posed a problem in squat toilets. Simply cause squat toilets didn’t have any. Our ancestors never squabbled over the position of the toilet seat. The wife never got angry. The man never argued. And they made babies by the dozens. Cut to today. Man yells at wife for the seat. Wife is all worked up. Wife banishes the husband. No babies. Effective birth control.

Who would have known that the modern world uses toilet seats as birth control measure.?

Enough of this nonsense. Unless you guys wanna get bored with more shit please contribute to this blog.

Auguste Rodin’s Le Penseur

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Value Erosion

Sorry. I apologise to my three loyal readers – Me, Myself and Nobody Else – for not updating the blog in over a month. It’s not that nothing Pissd me off. In fact, there was a shit load to write about and I couldn’t decide what to start with.

Corruption
On May 21st, the front page of Times of India (Bombay edition) carried a very interesting article, “India ignores info offer on black money”

Germany has data on illegal funds stashed off in Liechtenstein’s LTG Bank. German intelligence agency, BND bought the data for €4.2million and is willing to give it to India for FREE since February! No govt official has taken the initiative to react to it.

The piss off is that Times of India has not bothered to follow up on the scoop. No other newspaper or channel has come forward to take on the politicians.

I asked my buddy, Varun (an unemployed lawyer) to take up the matter using the RTI Act and I was willing to bear the expenses. BUT that lazy lawyer hasn’t moved a muscle. So, I have reached the conclusion that it’s Varun who has an account there. Dude, atleast return the Rs 100 you borrowed.

College Admissions
SSC results were declared a few days ago. A staggering 86% of the students cleared the exams. Papers carried photos of students celebrating and distributing sweets. The idiots didn’t realize what was in store for them. Having to stand in serpentine queues outside colleges just to buy a form seems the University’s way of welcoming the students to their next level of education.

Why can’t the University put the admission forms of all colleges on its website for them to be downloaded? Charge the bloody application fees to the annual fee. If it’s not possible for the University to provide such a basic facility, the least it can do is to instruct the colleges to start selling the forms well in advance.

A website accepts online admissions but that too is facing teething problems and students and parents aint opting for it.

Nothing has changed in the last thirteen years. In 1995, I was one of the idiots in the queue. The world has moved on, India is a major IT superpower but the University of Mumbai believes in tradition. God bless them.

History Restored
We Indians have a deep desire to etch our name in history. Be it the beggar, a pauper like me or an Ambani we make it a point to leave a mark on every monument we visit. It’s instinctive. Not one of us can resist the lure of writing our names on the walls of our scared monuments. All of us have taken upon ourselves to unofficially ruin our monuments. STOP it right now coz this shit is getting legal coverage now. Huh!

Recently the govt of Maharashtra allotted Rs 7.5 crores for the restoration of four monumental forts. The work was commissioned to the Directorate of Archeology and Museums by the state ASI.

These forts are made of stone and limestone and date back to the 17th century. The mercenary bastards overseeing the work have actually used cement to plaster these forts! Now these structures look as pathetic as any other modern day building. To save costs and lessen their burden the contractors made no efforts to procure limestone or hire an expert to guide them.

The city is loosing its history; the custodians of our heritage are screwing it. Sewri and Bandra forts have bitten the dust, I guess Victoria Terminus is next.
RIP Bombay.

YouTube vdo:

Sewri fort: Maharashtra govt plaster heritage ugly

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Modern Medicine

In school, I hated the Biology class. Although the natural world excited me, I simply dint want to read it off a book. The misconception I had then was that the only future of a student good at biology was to become a doctor. Doctors scared me then, and still scare me today (the wife’s a doctor, u see!)

I recently read the most pissing off article ever published. It’s the kind of article that would make every married man cringe. A recent study listed on LiveScience.com reads thus, “New Depression Rx: Get Married.”

Don’t rub your eyes, you read it correct. Some stupid study actually prescribes marriage as a cure for depression!

Can you imagine going to the doctor to cure your depression and getting a prescription that reads, “Get Married.” What about the depressive life you lead after marriage? I have not known any man as depressed as a married one.

Happy were the days when I was dating my wife. Back then, her ideal holiday was to spend some time with me. Now after marriage, she only talks about the tourist attractions in New Zealand, Australia, Dubai, etc. It seems she has mugged up the entire atlas.

The constant nagging is a biggest challenge a man has to face. I get back home and dump my clothes anywhere and off goes the wife’s cool. Things the wife can’t stand are against the very basis of nature. She is against man’s fundamental right to break wind and scratch his arse. Come on, that’s the way we men express ourselves. But the moment I do that, I am exiled to my room – the bathroom.

Somehow women’s desire of wearing the best brands and eating at the swishest of places is saved till after marriage. Maybe they don’t disclose this side earlier just to appear reasonable. And once the marriage is registered, rises the real woman.

To enlighten you on the biggest ills of marriage, I believe, “Marriage maybe short-lived, but alimony is forever.”

Now tell me how any scientific study can prescribe marriage as an antidote to depression.
Oh, the horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science!

Pic contributed by Sonal Baid

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IPL: Incredibly Phatak Ladies

A heat wave swept Bangalore, Karnataka on 18th April, 2008. A lavish opening ceremony commenced the much awaited Indian Premier League sponsored by the real-estate giant,DLF. The tournament was touted to be the next best thing after Baywatch to hit television screens. Eight teams were formed and a shit load of cash was spent on their branding and hype.

The tournament kick-started with Shah Rukh Khan’s Kolkata Knight Riders taking on Vijay Mallya’s Royal Challengers. Though the Royal Challengers lost the match without a fight they found themselves a supporter. A loyal supporter in yours truly. The Bangalore team has THE best cheerleaders. I don’t care about the lousy cricket on offer, it’s the Washington Redskins that have roped in all the eyeballs. Ain’t that true, boys?

One team that started off badly was Rajasthan Royals. Lost their first match and did nothing to win fans. Shane Warne transformed them into a formidable side and the owners Emerging Media group got some real hot cheerleaders. God bless Emerging Media.

I personally feel that SRK’s team will be the first to post profits given the lovely branding he’s upto. BUT someone please shoot his lousy designer. Has anyone been able to decipher the clothes worn by his cheerleaders? To compensate for the cheerleaders, SRK's wife Gauri dresses up as one. The authorities should keep her off the ground cause she looks more like a fearleader. But are the lazy Kolkattans complaining?

Mumbai Indians. The less said the better. The MI team just found its element in the last couple of games. With Shaun Pollock as captain they are faring better but certainly Mr. Ambani could have picked a better side had he visited Oval Maidan once.
And he could have picked better cheerleaders had he hired the unemployed bar dancers. Wondering if the MI cheerleaders are competing with their counterparts from Kolkata. Let the true champion of morality, Mr RR Patil (Dy. CM of Maharashtra) judge this ugly competition.

As a owner I think Preity Zinta has done a wonderful job with her team, Kings XI Punjab. She’s making both the genders happy. The wife loves Brett Lee and Shaun Marsh. And Priety has replaced her old cheerleaders simply cause they weren't hot enough. PZ, I love you.

The Chennai Super Kings started with a bang, lost its way in the middle and are now bouncing back. My piss off is the ugly bunch of cheerleaders that accompany the team. Couldn't Dhoni use his Midas Touch to turn them into something meaningful. Mr Patil, please make a note of these beauties you will be judging.

IPL should blacklist GMR, the owners of the Delhi Daredevils for making irresponsible comments like banning their cheerleaders from all future matches they play.

The Deccan Chargers have a wonderful team and a gorgeous set of cheerleaders to boast of. But they have no public support. They have been consistently losing matches and the cheerleaders chose to cover up. :-(

I am praying that all matches played now onwards be between the Rajasthan Royals & the Royal Challengers. And that each ball crosses the boundary rope. And the cameras only focus on the cheerleaders. ;-)

The only piss-off, the lousy Royal Challengers ain’t hitting enough boundaries and sixes for their cheerleaders to break into a dance. Jump Washington Redskins jump ;-)

Rest in peace Baywatch, the IPL Cheerleaders are here. N so is the wife...Oucchhhhhh.

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Summer Weddings :-(

A couple of weeks ago, I was in Jaipur, Rajasthan to attend my cousin’s wedding. The very fact that I had to be in Jaipur in the April heat scared me more than the institution of marriage. Rajasthan’s dry climate with the sun blazing full-on is far more lethal than a wife can be.

The exercise to pack your best formals can be such a chore when you have to plan for a wedding in 40˚ Celsius. I managed to stuff clothes for two days. The wife packed in all her finest heavy sarees and I thought the woman had lost it.

The heat was unbearable and I stuck to being indoors. The biggest problem was the daily battle between Snobby (our pet dog) and me to grab a place directly in front of the desert cooler.

The dinner after the wonderful sangeet program was the killer. Rajasthan being the land of royalty has some really rich food to offer. Right from the starters to desserts Rajasthani food is packed with ghee and spices. It’s the kind of food you would love to gorge on in the winters, but the Rajasthanis somehow never learnt to differentiate between the seasons. There I was having the spiciest of pastas that mankind could have dished out. The next morning I was down with a bad tummy and still had two more meals to go. I skipped the lunch and drank only strawberry milkshake for the dinner.

Between all this, I could imagine the plight of the bride and the groom. The bride was wearing a 10kg lehenga and the customary makeup. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and sympathized with her. The groom looked a lil more relieved cause he didn’t have to deck up as much as the bride but little does the idiot know what’s in store for him as a married man.

What pisses me off is the logic behind summer weddings. And more so summer weddings in north India. You can’t relish the food nor wear the clothes you always fantasized about in the wedding catalogues. Why can't parents permit a beach wedding instead? Imagine the babes in beachwear ;-)

Shit, here comes the wife. Though I was married in the chilly winters I am still feeling the heat.
Auggh.

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Introduction

Frustation. Anger. Irritation. That’s what gets me going. It’s the overall feeling of being super-pissed about everything in life that has prompted me to start this blog. Maybe you would identify with a few issues or maybe not. You could have your own views - views that totally contrast mine. I would like you to share your outlook and further enhance this blog.

Why I chose such a shady name for this blog?
Well, simply because it’s a reflection of the lives of most people. We are either getting pissed about issues or getting pissed upon by the higher-ups.

As I write this, my biggest piss-off is the fact I actually wanted my blog to be spelt “PISSED.” But some bitch called Melissa has hogged that name and the last time she updated her blog was in November 2001. I am even PISS’D about that.

Let the cribbings begin!

Ps: I am a newbie blogger and would love it if you help me with your input and let me get Piss'd further.

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