Independence Day.. ya rite!!

Ouch..I have been beaten black and blue. I was trying to board the plane to Shimla to attend a conference dealing with a topic that is very close to every married man. It was a conference on the harassment that men face from their wives.

The conference would unite married men who are constantly harassed by their wives (who isn't?). Over one thousand men like me would attend to discuss about protection of husbands on issues like dowry and domestic violence.

Dowry: Personally, I believe every man should be entitled to a good gaming console so that the husband does not irritate the wife when he's free. And this console would even be handy once the kids grow up. So, I propose that a gaming console with extra controllers and a bunch of games be made an essential, a fundamental right of a husband for the mental well being of the wife.If the husband forces his in-laws to give him the console, it should not be seen as demanding dowry.

Domestic Violence: After labouring with the household chores, most Indian women assume the form of a sumo wrestler, while the hardworking husband not only looses the hair on his scalp but also his appetite providing for the family. Now, I wanna know how can a 45kg man hurt a 100kg woman. In all probability, it's the man who would be hurt even if he tried to hurt the woman! So, the law needs to be amended and the husband should be provided relief against the evils of domestic violence.

Armed with this two-point agenda, I booked a ticket to Shimla secretly to demand for the independence of my brothers. But I could not escape the prying eyes of my detective wife. Now, I sit in front of this stupid computer beaten black and blue. I want protection against domestic violence. Somebody, please 'ghanti bajao.'

Hell, here she comes again.. ouch :'(

DNA Article: Harassed hubands to attend two-day meet in Shimla

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Trip to J&K - II

DAY 3 : OF CABLE CARS, SNOW, SLEDS, MAGGI & KAHWA

The ADC to the Major-General had chalked our trip to Gulmarg. The drive from Srinagar to Gulmarg was really pleasant. We stopped over at Tangmarg and hired coats and gumboots.

Gulmarg is a hill-station at 8800ft that boasts of the highest and longest cable car ride in Asia.

Gulmarg is blessed with vast meadows of greenery and looks fabulous surrounded with a blanket of green. After a brief walk in the meadows, we took the Gondola cable car to Khelmarg in the Kongdoori Mountains.

The drizzle and cold weather made for the perfect setting for a bowl of hot Maggi noodles and Kahwa (Kashmiri tea). I didn't want to move further as I had found heaven at the refreshment stall but the wife and bro dragged me out and put me on a horse. We were heading to the snow bypassing the clouds.

The wife saw snow for the first time and could not control herself. The brother wanted to dive into the snow. I wanted my bowl of Maggi. Still want it :-) After sledding for a few hours and playing in the snow, all wet, we returned to Gulmarg hestitantly. The greenery at Gulmarg is captivating and I soon forgot about the sled. The thought of Maggi and Kahwa lingered though.

Khalid drove us back to our fortified home. At dinner, uncle M-G talked about terrorists, bombs and bullets but the wife couldn't think beyond snow. With sweet memories of Gulmarg, snow, kahwa and maggi, we called it a night.

Gulmarg Khelmarg

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Trip to J&K - I

Pissd will sound like a travelogue for the next few posts and i'll update it till i finish narrating my recent trip to Jammu & Kashmir. You might receive mails irritating you with the updates but if I really cared abt you, I would have never started blogging. Or for that matter even added you as a contact in my phonebook.

I jus got back from the most fabulous holiday ever. Okay, it wasn't a holiday but an experience. I didn't stay in fancy hotels or wake up at lunch, things many of you losers crave for on a holiday. The holiday was planned with military precision and my companions - da wife n bro hated me for never letting them sleep beyond 0700hrs. Ya, like I care!

It all began when my friend PS n I made a plan to experience Ladakh. Her dad is the king of Srinagar or is it Major-General. Don't know but both sound the same. Was forced to incorporate Srinagar in the plan else she would get my brain blown off. The idea of an AK-47 knocking my head off sounded exciting but then reality struck. I realised the brain would only spill out if you have one. Fearing that people would know my secret if I didn't obey PS, I incorporated Srinagar and Vaishnodevi also.

Here it goes:

DAY 1 : CHALO BULAWA AAYA HAI, MATA NE BULAYA HAI

Reached Jammu Tawi station two hours behind schedule. Thank god, the train was delayed by only two hours, cause it had been running late by nine hours regularly! Think it was divine intervention and we werent as late.

We got ready and took the 7minute chopper ride to Sanjichhat. Then a 2km walk to the Mata Vaishnodevi shrine. We had the privilege of priority darshan and then headed to Bhairon Ghati - another couple of kms. After a speedy darshan, we snail walked to Hotel Asia Vaishnodevi. The 5hr walk down the mountain took toll on the legs and by the time we reached Katra, we were hell pooped.

Our Kashmiri driver, Khalid, was waiting for us and wanted us to leave Katra immediately as he suspected trouble in a nearby area. Our friends in the Army didn't buy Khalid's shit and asked us to leave at 0300hrs and reach Srinagar by 1000hrs.

The legs were killing me. Got a foot massage and crashed for the day.

Helipad at Sanjichhat

DAY 2 : DESTINATION ARMY LAND

Left for Srinagar at 0300hrs. Wow, some holiday this is. Getting up at 3am to save our arse from getting kicked by some terrorists. No, not the ones sent by Pakistan but our indigenous bunch of moronic citizens.

Stopped over at Patnitop en route to Srinagar. Once we crossed the Jawahar Tunnel, Khalid's fear gave way and enthusiasm peaked. He was on his side of the tunnel - Kashmir. Passing by the Jhelum and millions of army trucks, we reached Srinagar. 

Now was the time for us to be scared. We entered the Major-General's Garrison and got to his residence. With so many uniformed dudes around, we felt caged in a hole. A really large hole at that. But after sometime, we got used to it and the Army guys looked no more than civilians. Met the M-G, and then rested for the day.

             Patnitop at 0500hrs

                                                                         Green Tunnel en route to Srinagar

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Am Back... I Think

Am back. Recession has taken a toll on my brain (yeah, I think I have one). No ideas to write on. Nothing's happening to complain about. Ya, life sucks! :-(

But a friend asked me to update Pissd. So, the phoenix shall rise yet again. Frankly, I dint even know anyone reads this tripe! Who would be so damn interested to read crap?

Talking about friends, recently I had a spat with a very dear friend,VSN, and unwillingly it has spilled for over two weeks now. He knows he's wrong but he's been accusing everything walking on two legs. Dude, apologise. I think as a punishment, I am gonna force him to read Pissd for a year. Wow, one more follower:-)

I haven't been able to meet friends more often since the last one year. It's not as if everyone's working their ass off to beat the recession but I don't know why plans don't ever materialise. The wife says that people are avoiding me since I started forcing them to read Pissd. How rude, you morons!

The only friend who asked me to update this nonsense lives in USA and knows that I can't bloody pester her to read it. Maybe that's why she asked me to update it. Smart bitch. Oops, there I loose one more friend.

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Marksheet Mayhem

Testing times are upon us. While the grown-ups are fighting the test against the recession, students are facing the most treaded time of the year - exam time. 

I fail to understand why parents presurize their kids to score good grades.  When I was in school my report card looked like a bloodbath. Red lines highlighted my disappointing performance in Hindi language. For a couple of terms, I took the mother for a ride by telling them that I had excelled in Hindi. They could not believe their ears and I could not believe the poor mother fell for it! She finally flipped the report card and read the key. All verbal communication stopped and thrashings began.

Why the fuss about getting grades? Even if you somehow manage to score well, the stupid reservation will get you. And anyways, most geniuses of our times are dropouts or were losers in the classroom. Take Sachin Tendulkar, Bill Gates, Paul Allen, Mukesh Ambani, Richard Branson, Albert Einstein and ofcourse your's truly. 

Some may disagree with the last name on the list but then genius is seldom recognised in its lifetime.

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Hell Hath No Fury…

Am back. The wife did not kill me for the pathetic gifts I gave her for her birthday because she was so damn busy taking people’s wishes over the phone. I have never thanked Alexander Graham Bell so much as much as I did on the wife’s birthday. Every time she attempted to open the gift I gave her, the phone rang, saving me the blushes and the curses. :-D

The birthday passed off smoothly and I survived to fight another day. Little did I realize that the ‘another day’ would be the next day. The wife caught my gaffe and gave me a earful when she saw her gifts at peace. Since then I have been avoiding her like the plague.

Just when things were returning back to normal, Women’s day hit me. I don’t understand the fuss & the relevance of this day. The last time I checked women got their way for 364days in a year. The one day that was left, they wanted to hurt the already flagging male ego so they rechristened it to Women’s day! Don't believe me, ask Manmohan Singh about his feelings for his Italian Madam. 

The wife thinks she deserves a gift simply because it’s Women’s day! I protested. I want a damn gift simply because there is no Man’s Day. I got a lecture and the ear still hurts. 

Curse Hallmark & Archies for promoting this totally worthless day. I demand a Man’s Day. Or if I am asking for too much, I demand a damn Man’s Hour. Oh hell, I demand an ENT, the ear hurts. Is the wife listening???

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HELP

Why is that one's special day becomes other's death bed? The wife turns a year older this coming Sunday and I am dreading every gone second. I haven't bought a damn gift for her. Oh hell, forget buying I bloody haven't even thought of the gift!

I don't really know what to get her. I have got to be the worst guy at gifting anyone for any occassion. I dated the wife for four years before we got married, and she should have known that. But NO, she expects me to get the world for her on this birthday itself! I wonder what will I get her next year then. Crap, I forgot, I have the entire list from this year's demand since I don't think I'll land up getting her anything.

I asked her in the morning what she wanted for her birthday. At first, she threw a fit. Then she realised being the pain that I am, I won't get her anything. She then rattled a list of things she wants and curse me, I didn't listen to her cause I was reading the newspaper! Is it my fault that she mistimes her verbal onslaught of THE list?

To cut the crap short, I need help. Someone please tell me what should I gift her? Please write your suggestions in the Comments section else mail me.

I remember the wife telling me that she wanted a surprise.Aint that funny! Think I'll surprise her by not wishing her. Haha... On second thoughts, I think she might surprise me by getting a restraining order barring me to come within 100metres of her.

Someone HELP. Everyone HELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

ps: Please remember we are moving from recession to depression, suggestions within Rs1000 preferably.

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Recession Woes

To boost my flagging Herculean ego, I am assuming that you have read this blog earlier. Ya, I agree you clicked the link by mistake but I don't really care cause that counts as a hit on my webpage :-D 

You may have bloody noticed that I had some adverts on the blog earlier, but not anymore. The rascals at Google have discontinued the ad service on Pissd. They claim that they suspected some fishy activity. I beg to differ though; I think it is because the recessionary blues got to them and I am the first victim of that. I bloody lost $84 in all this. The cash register was the ONLY motivating factor that forced me to keep updating Pissd.

Don't you worry, people. This New Year I have resolved to get under your skin and bug the living shit outta you, so money or no money I am going to keep updating Pissd and mailing you about it. There's always an exit plan though. You could send ur monetary contributions direct to my bank account and I will take you off the list.

That's my solution to beat the recession - extort from friends and family and any other moron who wastes his time reading Pissd.

ps: For bank details, mail me.

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Happy New Year

Another year has passed. Another year wasted. 366 days of carnage on the stock exchanges, on the road and in the industry. Be it the recession or terrorism attacks, the year 2008 has been the worst ever. Looking back on 2008 it is quite possibly THE black year of all times.

Those who avoided being hit by recession and managed to hold on to their jobs, fell to the terrorism attacks all over India. The others were on my mailing list and got bombarded with messages to read my posts on this crappy blog.

I consider blogging a bigger threat than either recession or terrorism. Every damn idiot you know maintains a blog these days! With so much so garbage floating on the net, it's impossible not to dirty your mind going through them. The way people have hung on to blogging, soon you might have people giving their blog addresses instead of their cell phone numbers.

Your worst nightmare came true, when I started blogging on Pissd, aint it? Well, amongst the 23 resolutions I resolved this year, updating Pissd more often is one of them. So get ready for some more nonsense in 2009.

The only saving grace, my resolutions to hit the gym and eat less of desserts are already in jeopardy so keep your fingers crossed...
Cartoon Copyright by Randy Glasbergen

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The Indian Sports Drama

For once I agree with the India's stand on the sportsmen that represent her on an international level. The Sports Ministry has decided to bar athletes holding foreign passports from representing the country. The Ministry's rational is that it would create a level playing field for the local talent!

We are a country driven by knowlegde and it's only fair that we produce intellectuals and businessmen. Sports do not deserve any spot in our society. We have a world class cricket team so let's just stop there. Why do we want an Indian contingent for the Olympics? Why do we want some overseas based Indians to represent us? Why do these NRIs want to represent India in the first place? 

It is a known fact that the Sports Ministry officials undertake foreign holidays in the guise of work commitments at our expense. I bet the only 'sport' the Sports Minister must have ever played is a round of teen patti. Curse that idiot, cause had he learned bridge or poker atleast he could have played some money spinning tournments.

The Sports Ministry wants to create a level playing field by barring Indians holding foreign passports a chance to represent India. Why?? Simply because these sportsmen get the best of facilities and are trained by coaches of international level. Unlike a sportsman based and trained in India, these sportsmen don't have to stay in dorms that have no beds but only torn mattresses; and they don't have to use toilets that overflow and bathrooms that have no water supply. All these facilities (or the lack of them) are character building exercises. It's a must for every Indian sportsman (barring cricketers) representing India to go through the entire process. And if the sportsman still has the will to represent this great country, he gets rewarded by a trip to an international event accompanied by a over-sized contingent of officials on holiday.

I feel the Sports Ministry should strip Olympic gold medallist shooter, Abhinav Bindra off his medal cause he had an unfair advantage over the other Indian shooters. His daddy is Mr Moneybags and the dude had the best of the facilities and training at his home in Delhi. Didn't he know that he had to go through the rind to eat the sweet fruit of representing India? Strip the cheat off his medal, I say.

Davis Cupper Prakash Amritraj and Ankur Poseria, Indian swimmer holding US passport, have cried enough cause they cannot represent India. It's time to introspect guys. Give up the damn sport and set up an industry in Gujarat. Narendra Modi awaits you with open arms...

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Screw the Politician

Is a 100km human chain across the length of Bombay the best method to curb the lackadaisical attitude of our politicians? Or is a congregation of a hundred thousand people at the Gateway of India enough to bring in some accountability in the system?

What have politicians done for us to deserve the privileges they currently have? I have been voting since 11 yrs in all the elections that took place but have not seen any action from either the local corporator or the MLA. PMs of our country are busy answering either to their allies or to their Italian madams. Presidents here don’t get another term in office simply cause they are clean, unbiased and intellectuals; instead these honest people are replaced by morons who are too dumb to be respected by their own children let alone the citizens of our country.

It pisses me off whenever I see a politician or bureaucrat halts the already crawling traffic of Bombay just so that his car passes by. Why are such privileges given to these bastards when they don’t even do their job? Why are politicians not security checked at airports? I bet they carry loads of black money and quite possibly a firearm too.

Instead of making a strong statement against the terrorists that waged war in Bombay last month or the country harbouring these terrorists, our politicians are bickering over the killing of ATS chief. I bet Hemant Karkare died a bigger death after his death was politicized by Antulay in the Parliament. All the strong statements have come from Barrack Obama and Ratan Tata while our politicians are busy with their own civil war in the Parliament.

The ‘best’ India has managed in our fight against terror is to get JuD banned by the UN. Gimme a break. Isn’t SIMI a banned outfit? Doesn’t SIMI still operate freely? Wasn’t SIMI blamed for the blasts in Ahmedabad recently? Who are you fooling, Manmohan Singh? The only way to ban a militant outfit is to BOMB it. Isn’t that what Bush did to the Taliban?

Politicians have already sold India, next probably are their mothers. 

Cartoons by Manjul

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Workaholics Suck

The workaholics are so damn passionate about their work that they don't realise when to stop. I tend to stay away from these diseased people. Unfortunately, these are the people who rake in all the moolah. Our sportsmen fall in this category. Especially cricketers. Look at Kapil Dev. A brilliant all-rounder who kept dragging his career to beat Richard Hadlee's bowling record. Towards the end of his carreer, the entire world pleaded with him to stop but the determined man kept on going. The same applies to our recent crop of oldies in the side.

I don't know why Anil Kumble thought it was necessary for him to hang around like a grandfather clock. He hadn't got the wickets or the fitness. But he had the most lethal weapon - the captaincy. Kumble probably thought he could amass 100 more wickets and catch up with Shane Warne and Murlitharan. Wishful thinking buddy! I bet he would not have hung his boots had he not been injured.

Laxman shows his brilliance in one match and ensures that the board keep paying his salary for the next ten matches. He is too old to run to the loo in case of an emergency, so how does one expect him to run on-field?

Whats wrong with Rahul Dravid? After loosing the captaincy, Rahul's been batting like a baby. He's averaged 18runs in the last 19 innings! Not only batting, Rahul's fielding is appalling. The way he's been dropping catches, it seems the matches are fixed! Dravid's lost his touch and his confidence. Now it's time to loose his seat on the team bus. How long can he continue to live on his goodwill. Tailenders like Ishant Sharma & Harbhajan Singh have been consistently scoring more than him! Call it a day, pal. I know we were nearing a recessionary phase and you need the job, but its high time you stopped traumatising us with your pitiful batting.

I would award the Biggest Ass of the Year Award to Sourav Ganguly. He went against the tide and announced his retirement at a time when he was actually contributing to the team's cause! Watta ass. Dada may have had enough but his performance and attitude till his last match has put to shame all the ex-cricketers.

It's an unwritten rule in India's sportscircle that you make hay while the sun shines and never quit; you get thrown out. Dada, look at your peers and reconsider the decision.

Ok, I am tired of writing so much tripe, so will continue about the second category sometime later.

Ps: Dada thanks for the memories. Dravid, the way your currently performing, I wonder what memories you'll leave behind!

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Boycott Pakis

It’s safe to assume by now that every individual residing in Pakistan is directly or indirectly controlled by their intelligence service, ISI. After last month’s terror attacks in Bombay, Pakistan had declared that the ISI chief would visit India for a dialogue because that’s what we Indians do best, just talk. In a couple of hours Pakistan did a u-turn; it said a director would be sent and that India had misunderstood the earlier statement.

It’s quite evident that the ISI dictated the government to retract its statement. The democratic government in Pakistan is just a puppet in the hands of the ISI and the military. The army had set up the democracy so that the world recognizes the government and they continue to receive financial aid that may not be possible in a military ruled country.

These financial aids are used to harbour terrorists instead of the betterment of citizens. I seriously feel that all Pakistani artistes across all fields and sportsmen be banned from India. I am not saying that these artistes and sportsmen are harbingers of terror in our country but the money they earn from India somehow finds its way to terrorism to back stab us. Huh? They obviously pay taxes to the ISI backed government, don’t they?

As much as I love listening to the Atif Aslams and Rahat Fateh Ali Khans, as much as I love to see Afridi bat, I think these people earning off us has to stop. And stop NOW. I still regard Wasim Akram as the best damn left arm pacer of all times, but it’s time now that he makes a living in his own country.

Talent shows can do without these artistes. TV shows don’t become successes because a couple of contestants are from across a terrorist country. But terrorism definitely is succeeding because of our love towards their artistes.

Indo-Pak cricket matches and all sporting events have to stop right away. And for the betterment of all, why only India, all countries should boycott events with Pakistan. After all, weren't Americans, Israelis and Britishers killed in the Bombay attacks.

And if Mahesh Bhatt thinks otherwise, I seriously suggest we deport him to Pakistan and let him make his crappy movies there.

Article in a leading Pakistani English newspaper, Dawn by a pakistani, Irfan Hussain seconds my views. Well, almost.
Links for the article as it appeared in Hindustan Times, Bombay edition of 10/12/2008:
Page 1 & Page 2

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Letter to the PM

I received an email today stating that the following letter had been written by the editor of Times of India, Bombay edition. I doubt that but the content of the letter is indicative of the mood of every citizen of Bombay irrespective of our religion or caste. Here it goes:

--

Dear Mr. Prime minister

I am a typical mouse from Mumbai. In the local train compartment which has capacity of 100 persons, I travel with 500 more mouse. Mouse at least squeak but we don't even do that.

Today I heard your speech. In which you said 'NO BODY WOULD BE SPARED'. I would like to remind you that fourteen years has passed since serial bomb blast in Mumbai took place. Dawood was the main conspirator. Till today he is not caught. All our bolywood actors, our builders, our Gutka king meets him but your Government can not catch him. Reason is simple; all your ministers are hand in glove with him. If any attempt is made to catch him everybody will be exposed. Your statement 'NOBODY WOULD BE SPARED' is nothing but a cruel joke on this unfortunate people of India.

Enough is enough. As such after seeing terrorist attack carried out by about a dozen young boys I realize that if same thing continues days are not away when terrorist will attack by air, destroy our nuclear reactor and there will be one more Hiroshima.

We the people are left with only one mantra. Womb to Bomb to Tomb. You promised Mumbaikar Shanghai what you have given us is Jalianwala Baug.

Today only your home minister resigned. What took you so long to kick out this joker? Only reason was that he was loyal to Gandhi family. Loyalty to Gandhi family is more important than blood of innocent people, isn't it?

I am born and bought up in Mumbai for last fifty eight years. Believe me corruption in Maharashtra is worse than that in Bihar. Look at all the politician, Sharad Pawar, Chagan Bhujbal, Narayan Rane, Bal Thackray , Gopinath Munde, Raj Thackray, Vilasrao Deshmukh all are rolling in money. Vilasrao Deshmukh is one of the worst Chief minister I have seen. His only business is to increase the FSI every other day, make money and send it to Delhi so Congress can fight next election. Now the clown has found new way and will increase FSI for fisherman so they can build concrete house right on sea shore. Next time terrorist can comfortably live in those house , enjoy the beauty of sea and then attack the Mumbai at their will.

Recently I had to purchase house in Mumbai. I met about two dozen builders. Everybody wanted about 30% in black. A common person like me knows this and with all your intelligent agency & CBI you and your finance minister are not aware of it. Where all the black money goes? To the underworld isn't it? Our politicians take help of these goondas to vacate people by force. I myself was victim of it. If you have time please come to me, I will tell you everything.

If this has been land of fools, idiots then I would not have ever cared to write you this letter. Just see the tragedy, on one side we are reaching moon, people are so intelligent and on other side you politician has converted nectar into deadly poison. I am everything Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Schedule caste, OBC, Muslim OBC, Christian Schedule caste, Creamy Schedule caste only what I am not is INDIAN. You politician have raped every part of mother India by your policy of divide and rule.

Take example of former president Abdul Kalam. Such a intelligent person, such a fine human being. You politician didn't even spare him. Your party along with opposition joined the hands, because politician feels they are supreme and there is no place for good person.

Dear Mr Prime minister you are one of the most intelligent person, most learned person. Just wake up, be a real SARDAR. First and foremost expose all selfish politician. Ask Swiss bank to give name of all Indian account holder. Give reins of CBI to independent agency. Let them find wolf among us. There will be political upheaval but that will better than dance of death which we are witnessing every day. Just give us ambient where we can work honestly and without fear. Let there be rule of law. Everything else will be taken care of.

Choice is yours Mr. Prime Minister. Do you want to be lead by one person or you want to lead the nation of 100 Crore people?

Prakash B. Bajaj

Chandralok 'A" Wing, Flat No 104

97 Nepean Sea Road

Mumbai 400 036

Phone 98210-71194

--

Mr Bajaj is certainly not the editor of any newspaper but a really Pissd individual. And he's not alone.

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Spirit of Bombay

It's the Spirit of Bombay that is ruining our lives. Ya, the undying spirit. The spirit that keeps us going despite all odds. The spirit that saw us through the riots of 1992, the serial blasts in 1993, the 26/7 Bombay floods and the train blasts. But it's now this spirit that is being used by the unscrupulous politicians, simply because everyone around the globe knows come what may Bombay will rise. And rise higher.

The recent terror war on Bombay has finally woken up the citizens. But for how long? Today over a hundred thousand people gathered at the Gateway of India to protest against the callous attitude of the politicians. Protesting aint gonna help our cause people. Never did, never will. It's high time we acted.

If a bastard thinks the life of innocent people is a DDLJ and that such 'small incidents occur in big cities' let us enter his house and lynch him to death and really prove him right that such small incidents indeed happen in big cities.

How many of us respect Pratibha Patil? Not me. And certainly not the armed forces. Still as a matter of duty our armed forces are answerable to her. She's a President who is a mere puppet in the hand of the only man in Congress - Sonia Gandhi. Mrs Patil knows nothing about the security of the nation to command these brave soldiers. But what she knows thoroughly well is how to holiday in Indonesia while the nation is under attack. After her holiday she came to meet the victims of the terror in Bombay. Not only did her presence ruin the traffic situation but the patients at the civic hospitals she visited were neglected for her security. Nurses waited for an hour at JJ Hospital to serve dinner to the victims simply cause Pratibha Patil would not move her arse out of the hospital. Bitch.

These politicians have been ridiculing our martyred soldiers and policemen. First it was by the way of providing sub-standard equipment and planes. Then, ATS Chief Hemant Karkare was labelled a crook by these politicians, but post 26/11 all political parties want to cash in on his death by writing paeans of his bravery all over the city. And now, by saying that a even a dog would not visit a soldier's house. An illiterate politician gets away by chiding a soldier while his colleagues are protecting the politician's life by laying theirs on line. Enough is enough.

Why must politicians live in the luxury of Honda Citys when the money can be spent on better equipment for defence? Why must politicians have the right of way on the road? Why deploy commandoes to protect politicians and babus? Why keep Afzal Guru's file on hold indefinitely instead of hanging him? Why must a blood thirsty terrorist like Kasab get a fair trial?

Why must the Spirit of Bombay become so evident that the politicians use it to their gain? It is high time we stop paying with our lives for the fancies of these jerks. It's time for the real Rang De Basanti.

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Force India

I love the game of cricket when its played in the right spirit or when the Aussies weep like sissy girls after their losses. Friday's match between India and England was a thrill to watch. Good entertainment atleast for the first half, all thanks to Yuvraj Singh.

Yuvraj Singh's innings was enchanting, packed with some superb shots. But I personally feel the innings lacked character. Why I say that is because his fitness was a big question mark and had it not been for the runner, Gautam Gambhir, Yuvi would have been out of the equation long ago. Yuvi called for a runner when he was batting on 37 off 37 balls having hit three 4s and a 6. Thereafter he amassed 101 runs in 41 balls! Had it not been for a runner, Yuvraj would have either retired hurt or got out to some rash shot and England would not have lost soo damn miserably.

My arguement is that if bowlers ain't allowed a substitute, why do batsmen have this privilege? Agreed the runner just runs on behalf of the batsman BUT running is an integral part of batting. Well, not in Yuvraj's innings but what Saaed Anwar's record innings of 194 against us where he batted with a runner for 31 overs! Take Brian Lara's knock of 400 in 582balls. That's 708mins of hardcore batting without a runner. His fitness spoke volumes in that match and the score seems like it's going to be unbeaten for quite sometime.

Moving on to the biggest cry babies of world cricket, Australia. These guys give their best on the field. They will abuse you and your family but call them a monkey and the drama begins. Stand up to their shit and you are labelled a rascist or an 'obnoxious little weed' or a 'third world country.' Strange ain't it, the combined earnings of these 'first world country' players and their criminal forefathers does not compare with the moolah they rake in the IPL held in a 'third world country.' Didn't anyone tell Mathew Hayden that his ancestors like most other Aussies' were potential criminals, who got thrown into Australia by the British? Oops, did I hurt some sissy Aussies. Well let's not get there and further hurt their glorious 'culture.'

To sum it up in the words of Harbhajan Singh after India handed out Australia its worst defeat in 25years, "I think they (Aussies) were busy writing their books, while we were busy preparing for the series. You can see what difference it has made."

Go India go...

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Chipko Movement - II

Driving down the lanes of Sleater Road & Worli, I felt a little less claustrophobic. Not that the roads and been widened or the traffic had eased, its just that a few trees had been chopped. The large tree at Teenbati, Walkeshwar has met the same fate. What's with the municipal corporation? Why have these trees been axed?

Are the trees being chopped to display the ugly buildings they were covering? The Teenbati tree certainly seems to have been axed to serve that purpose. Not only did it provide shade to both sides of the road, it also covered a dilapidated old uninhabited building. A mammoth of a tree has been chopped off at the Royal Opera House. The only logic I see is nothing. The Royal Opera House building is a neglected beauty and there were reports to renovate it. The renovation has neither started nor was the tree blocking any activity. Still the mighty must fall to the whims of the idiot managing our city.

Some time back, residents of Haji Ali had actually revived the Chipko Movement to protect the 87 trees lined on the Haji Ali promenade. They were opposing the municipal corporation’s bright idea to replace the trees with a Zodiac Park. Can you imagine how beautiful the place would look with all the 12 zodiac signs instead of these 87 trees? These idiotic residents are actually standing in the path of beautification and development. I bow down to the wise men that warm the chairs of BMC.

The one guy I am starting to idolize is the CM of Maharashtra, Vilasrao Deshmukh. He is the true champion of humanity and the messiah of the masses. To regularize the illegal constructions made by builders on forest land, Deshmukh suggested that the innocent residents pay just 70paise per square foot to keep their land! This shrewd businessman will earn the state millions of rupees. He has not only provided relief to the residents but also secured his vote bank. Shouldn't Deshmukh be gunning for the head of the mercenary babus who let the builders get away by constructing on reserved forest land? The panel set up by the Supreme Court has suggested that pre-2005 constructions be regularised at a charge. BUT there's no reference of taking the authorities to task?

Nothing’s gonna improve around here. Assholes will keep wasting time updating their blogs while politicians will keep making moolah. Global warming does not even ring a bell with the authorities.

Screw global warming, I am waiting for the Zodiac Park. Let’s see what’s in store for Geminians. The future looks bright.

Pix courtesy Universal Press Syndicate

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MMR oops, MRM Shot

Trust a woman to spoil a perfectly lazy and boring holiday. No you got it wrong, the wife's not after my ass this time. And no, I ain't having an extra-marital affair either. Sigh...

Sometime back I requested a professional blogger, MRM, to review the nonsense on Pissd. How was I to know that she would actually read my mail? She reviewed the blog and liked the content! It made her laugh!! Am sorry, it wasn't intentional.

MRM thought the layout and display sucked. She asked me to dump the stupid template which I personally thought was cool. But then I gave into guru maiyaa's views. I spent one full day at the computer to change the look of this dumb blog. I skipped a Mithunda flick on tv (I know I should be hanged for that)  and if now she doesn't like it, I am gonna pull out the last few strands of hair on my scalp.

Well, if you don't like the new layout you can always blame the guru maiyaa. If for some stupid reason you like it then I am gonna thank you for letting my hair be. 

HT Cafe article by MRM

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Round is a Shape

It's a historic day. One that compares with Columbus' discovery of America or the invention of the television or India's moon mission. I finally rediscovered the route to the gym after four bloody months. Ya, believe it or not, I got out of bed beating all odds! Rise plebians, I deserve a resounding applause.

Four months of blubber piling up around the waist finally made me beat the odds. The odds may sound crazy but what can I do, nature was against me.

First, I blame it on Bombay's rains and the Meteorology department. The Met predicted a good monsoon so I didn't get out of the bed in anticipation. But it didn't rain a single day in July. That's if you discount the wife's abuses on my lethargy. It rained all August upto mid-September and I caught up on my sleep.

Then after the monsoon receded and the laziness crept in, I drew inspiration from cartoons such as these. Mid-September to Diwali the only thing I did was make excuses and blame them on my favourite punching bag - the wife. She sleeps till late and I just get jealous of seeing her, so I oblige the bed. Now, isn't that justified? But try reasoning with the wife and parents, if that's possible.

Now, that Diwali's gone and the wedding season is upon us, I have just realised that no trouser is willing to go around the waist. It's a conspiracy. Someone save me. I gotta attend a lot of weddings in the chilly winters and have no trousers! Dammit!! The only garment that goes around the waist now is the good old pyjama but imagine the sight of a pj under a blazer. Ouch.. I am gonna look like Govinda in Raja Babu.. Aa aa ee...Crap, Gold's Gym here I come.

Comic strip courtesy Randy Glasbergen

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Happy Diwala

It's six bloody thirty in the morning on a holiday and I am on the pc! Am already Pissd having missed Russell Peters' show lastnight and some idiot won't let me sleep over it. The dude's in super diwali mood and has been bursting crackers since an hour. Ain't bursting crackers between 2200-0600hrs banned? Why don't the cops do their bit?

Makes me wonder whose so damn excited about Diwali this freaking year. Everyone's wealth has been eroded thanks to the stock market. Not even the Ambanis or the Mittals have escaped the rout; and Iceland has gone bust! The recession all over the globe has just begun and some rascal is wasting his precious money bursting crackers! Moron.

The wife's enjoying her sleep oblivious to evils of the world. Bless her, she doesn't know shit about the stock markets. I'm jealous. And broke... Happy(ya,rite!!) Diwali.

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