Round is a Shape

It's a historic day. One that compares with Columbus' discovery of America or the invention of the television or India's moon mission. I finally rediscovered the route to the gym after four bloody months. Ya, believe it or not, I got out of bed beating all odds! Rise plebians, I deserve a resounding applause.

Four months of blubber piling up around the waist finally made me beat the odds. The odds may sound crazy but what can I do, nature was against me.

First, I blame it on Bombay's rains and the Meteorology department. The Met predicted a good monsoon so I didn't get out of the bed in anticipation. But it didn't rain a single day in July. That's if you discount the wife's abuses on my lethargy. It rained all August upto mid-September and I caught up on my sleep.

Then after the monsoon receded and the laziness crept in, I drew inspiration from cartoons such as these. Mid-September to Diwali the only thing I did was make excuses and blame them on my favourite punching bag - the wife. She sleeps till late and I just get jealous of seeing her, so I oblige the bed. Now, isn't that justified? But try reasoning with the wife and parents, if that's possible.

Now, that Diwali's gone and the wedding season is upon us, I have just realised that no trouser is willing to go around the waist. It's a conspiracy. Someone save me. I gotta attend a lot of weddings in the chilly winters and have no trousers! Dammit!! The only garment that goes around the waist now is the good old pyjama but imagine the sight of a pj under a blazer. Ouch.. I am gonna look like Govinda in Raja Babu.. Aa aa ee...Crap, Gold's Gym here I come.

Comic strip courtesy Randy Glasbergen

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Happy Diwala

It's six bloody thirty in the morning on a holiday and I am on the pc! Am already Pissd having missed Russell Peters' show lastnight and some idiot won't let me sleep over it. The dude's in super diwali mood and has been bursting crackers since an hour. Ain't bursting crackers between 2200-0600hrs banned? Why don't the cops do their bit?

Makes me wonder whose so damn excited about Diwali this freaking year. Everyone's wealth has been eroded thanks to the stock market. Not even the Ambanis or the Mittals have escaped the rout; and Iceland has gone bust! The recession all over the globe has just begun and some rascal is wasting his precious money bursting crackers! Moron.

The wife's enjoying her sleep oblivious to evils of the world. Bless her, she doesn't know shit about the stock markets. I'm jealous. And broke... Happy(ya,rite!!) Diwali.

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Festive Blues

It's the most festive time of the year for us Indians all over the world. Diwali will be celebrated with much aplomb and gaiety. But personally for me it's the most irritating time of the year.

Imagine a wonderfully lazy Sunday morning when a man should just chill at home and do a man's thing - nothing. That's all a man wants. But how can a woman see a man relax. Come Diwali and the mother and wife yell in unison to clear all the mess I have made during the year. I think this ritual is far more important than the Laxmi Pooja. My two very precious sundays have been wasted cleaning and dusting all the cupboards and my belongings. What's with these maniacial women? Why can't they simply do it on their own?

Weight Woes
Since it's the festive season, quite understandably you get to gorge on all the crappy stuff to eat. I simply love the sweets and the Gujju farsans and can stuff it in day and night. But one nasty look from the wife and you know that you will have to burn off the extra calories. This bloody reminds me that my Gold's Gym membership card is gathering more cobwebs than the cupboards the wife made me clean.

My alibi during the monsoons was that it was impossible to walk to the gym is Bombay's unpredictable rains. Its been a month since the monsoons have left almost all parts of the country and I still haven't made an effort to get out of the bed. The wife pesters me everyday to hit the gym but a man with strong will never budges to the whims of a woman. Am waiting for the winters to make my next excuse. Till then please help me think of one.

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Mistimed Marriage

Two years! Two bloody years after my marriage, the government of Maharashtra rules that live-in relationships are as good as marriage. I hate these assholes that make the rules. What were they doing till now? Shoot these rascals.

Circa 2006, I convinced the girlfriend (now, wife) that a live-in relationship would be a much better option to marriage. The sweet girl she was then, she hesitantly agreed. Just as I was gonna break into my victory jig, she cut me short and reminded me that we live with our parents. Reality check... plans doomed :-(

Figthing deranged tigers is an easier task than to convince parents. So without even giving it a shot, I accepted defeat. I think it was a wise decision because I can imagine the reaction of marwari parents. The argument would have been sealed with the demise of the arguer.

Now, if the government would have made the rule a couple a years ago, I would have stood a lil chance to convince the parents on the grounds that it was a legal relationship. Why cant progress be timed correctly?

I now oppose this ruling because now I am a harried oops, married man. Why should my bachelor friends, running away from marriage, get this unfair advantage? Damn the rule. For once the wife agrees! Its the most memorable moment of my wedded life - she agrees! Wow, here comes the victory jig.

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